Hold Fast

by
Tabaqui

19 Loss

Just what I need, Spike thought,another Slayer that wants to kick my ass.

There was a flare of panic in the link and Spike watched Faith re-orient towards the garden door as Xander, Oz and Derio all came in fast, Oz with something that looked like a machete in his hand and Xander shirtless and lean and looking as lethal as he was, the hyena making his eyes gleam in the slanting golden light of late afternoon.

"Wow - welcoming committee," Faith said, shifting on her toes a little, angling back towards Spike as he came slowly down the last few stairs.  She grinned at him and he grinned back, all fangs and demon's eyes because he saw her in the link - in images Xander was shunting away as fast as he could and Spike had the sudden urge to see if Faith still thought asphyxiation was fun.

Don't, don't, don't, she's here for a reason -

She'll heal, Spike thought, then hissed as Angelus slammed into the ambient.  Derio was fighting the change, not up to the massive surges of emotion in the link and Oz dropped the knife, turned to him and put his hands on his shoulders - sent the wolf-chant out deliberately loud to all of them.

Calm calm calm, pack is safe... from Spike and Xander both, focusing on family for a moment while Angel ducked into the building under a silvery camp-blanket, looking rumpled and put out, a bag slung over his shoulder.   He looked around the room at Faith in 'Slayer' mode, at Xander and Spike in 'protect' mode, and at Oz and Derio locked into the mantra, and heaved a sigh.

"Can everybody just - stand down?  We're not here to fight."

"We're always here to fight," Spike said, edging around a little and blocking Tara from getting past him.  She poked him in the side and he twitched.

"Stop that, Glinda!"

"Nobody's going to attack me, Spike - let m-me through!"  Spike saw Xander's stance relax infinitesimally - saw him smile at Tara and he sighed himself and let her pass.  Someone else was coming in and Spike waited, tense.   But then the complicated scent of DarlaAngelfamily wafted to him and he relaxed as well.  It was the baby - Connor - in the arms of a thin, long-haired woman and Spike knew that Angel wouldn't bring his son into danger.  Connor was fisting a handful of the woman's hair and looking as if he'd just woken up.

"Here, I'll -"   Angel reached for him and Connor smiled, reaching back.  The brown-haired woman pried his hand open and freed her hair, then looked around with a small, nervous smile on her lips.  She was pretty in a doll-like way, with huge eyes and a heart-shaped face and something was coming from Tara - blood-smell of a blush and sudden sweat.

I think this is the mysterious Fred!  

Ooh, I think you're right.   Xander turned to Oz and Derio, putting a hand out and touching Derio's back, stroking gently.

I'm all right, I'm - just startled...everything was so STRONG -

It's okay, it's fine...pack is safe, safe...

"So - we're not gonna throw down?  Damn - I thought the Hellmouth would be more fun than L.A."  Faith seemed to relax suddenly and completely, like a cat that's decided there's no threat.  She sauntered over to the big leather couch Angel had left behind and flopped down, legs sprawled and hands behind her head.

"Just keep your distance, Slayer, and we'll be fine."  Spike gave up resisting and went over to his pack, touching them all with light, quick touches.  Anchoring and reassuring and the last of the tension eased off.  Oz nuzzled his cheek against Derio's for a moment - kissed him - and then they turned to face Angel, who was fussing over Connor.   Tara had disappeared into the next room and now she came back, smiling nervously at Fred and bringing Dawn with her.  Dawn squeaked happily and bounced over to Angel, making a face at Connor and reaching out to tickle the child.

"I told B-buffy you were here, she went to get Giles and Ethan," she said, and Fred perked up.

"You must be Tara!  Hey!  It's so great to finally meet you!  I mean, not that we haven't met because we've been talking online for months but now we actually get to talk and wow, you're more - I mean, hi, I’m Fred, Winifred, Winifred Burkle."  Fred blushed and advanced on Tara, hand stretched out, and Tara blushed as well - took the offered hand and gave it a quick squeeze.

"H-h-hi, Fred, yeah I-I'm Tara."  

"You're the witch?" from Faith, appraising stare and Tara blushed again.

"Our witch," Spike growled, and Faith grinned at him again.  Tara's blush was epic.

"You know, the whole 'witch' thing is really fascinating, I mean, are the spells really drawing on some sort of vast, occult force beyond our knowledge as mere humans or is it really just an intuitive way of manipulating the basic rules of physics and chemistry?  I mean, that's assuming anybody actually could manipulate atoms and molecules at will -"   Fred stopped abruptly and ducked her head.

"Perhaps you'll get a chance to do some...research while you're here," Ethan said, laughing as he and Giles came in from the kitchen, cellar dirt on their hands and Giles with a grey tangle of cobweb in his hair.  Spike could smell the stale earth, old blood, and fungus-sulpher smell of old, worn magic on them. Buffy was right behind them and she stopped in the doorway, looking at Faith, her expression unreadable.

"Oh - research?  You mean Tara and I -"   Fred's eyes got somehow wider and she seemed to lose her voice altogether.

"Fred - could you get Connor some water?  Tara knows where everything is."  Angel was sliding the bag off his shoulder and holding it out, showing, Spike thought, an unusual amount of tact.  And brains.

Maybe he just wants to make the babble go away.

It was pretty interesting babble, Oz thought, going over to the couch they'd brought from Buffy's house and sinking down, bringing Derio with him.  Fred took the bag - filled with Connor's things, apparently - and Tara led her to the kitchen, smiling behind her hair.  Connor struggled in Angel's arms, chanting.

"Down, Da, down, Da, down, Da!" until Angel set him on his feet and let him go.  Connor caught his balance and then began to toddle straight towards Oz, Dawn beside him with her hands outstretched in case he fell.   Oz sat up and put his hands out as well, smiling.

"Well, this is -"   Giles started, but Faith interrupted him.

"You got a problem, B?  'Cause you're about to have one if you don't stop with the starin'."

"No, no problem, Faith.  Just wondering why you're here."  Faith frowned - uncoiled from her sprawl and stalked over to Buffy.

Girlfight! Spike snickered, and Xander grabbed him around the waist and dragged him towards Oz and Derio.

Don't!  Jesus - now I've got hair-pulling and bikinis in my head!

Nothing wrong with that, love.

"Everything wrong with it, love.   Come say hello to your - nephew.  Or whatever."  Spike twitched at that, glaring at Xander.

"Not bloody likely," he snapped.

"Sorry if I'm a little unclear on where you stand just now," Buffy said, and Faith opened her mouth to retort but was interrupted.

"Listen," Angel said, loudly, and everyone turned to look at him except for Connor, who had discovered Derio's dreads and was trying to pull the bells out.  "We've had a really long drive and we're kinda - tired.  And Fred and Faith were saying they were hungry so - could we maybe get some food and - and just everybody sit down?  Talk about all this?"  Angel didn't seem his usual self - seemed off, somehow, more than tired, and Spike cocked his head to the side, watching him.

Something's up with the broody bastard.  Wonder if he'll say?

You mean, something besides the usual?  Xander hadn't let go of Spike's waist and now he slipped his other arm around and hugged, chin on Spike's shoulder and his lips pressing into Spike's neck.  Spike relaxed against him, finally letting his demon-face go, watching Angel and the dark Slayer through slitted eyes.   Faith shrugged and went back to sprawl on the couch again and Buffy moved over to the other couch, still looking pissed.  She had argued against getting the other Slayer out of prison - had argued that they didn't need a murderer on 'The Team'.   Spike had just looked at her, eyebrow up, and she'd subsided, glaring.

"Yes, I think that's an admirable idea, Angel."  Giles bent a little at Ethan's urging and let the mage pick the cobweb out of his hair, grimacing at it.  "I think first, though, Ethan and I really need to get cleaned up.  The cellar here is -"

"Disgusting," Ethan finished, brushing his hands together distastefully.   Angel looked a little apprehensive.

"Uh - maybe you guys should just - avoid the cellar," he said, and Spike chuckled.

"Too late, Angel.  They've been dismantling Dru's messes for hours already.  And the Potentials have found just about all the...'doll parts' she cached.  And - other things."  Angel looked appalled and then he sighed, his shoulders sinking a little.

"Oh.  Sorry about that, Giles," he mumbled.

Oh fuck yeah, something besides the usual.  That should have got more of a rise than that...   Flash in the link, of Angel in China when he'd had his soul but hadn't told them.  The same then as now - a tiredness that was more than physical - sadness that wasn't guilt but was something else.  He's losin' - something.  Resignin' himself to it.  Git.  Why won't he ever fight?

Guilt, I'd guess, Oz thought, and Fred and Tara walked back in just then, talking softly. Giles and Ethan strode off in the direction of the downstairs bathroom.  Fred handed a little plastic cup with lions and tigers prancing around on it to Connor.  It had a spout at the top and Spike regarded it curiously.        

Sippy cup, Derio supplied, with images of his own numerous cousins using them and Spike shook his head.

Humans are strange.  What's wrong with a plain cup?

That, Xander thought, laughing as Connor grabbed the cup and immediately turned it upside down.  It didn't spill, of course, and Spike shrugged.

Wasn't allowed to walk around with a cup, anyway.  Food a good idea, pet?

Very good idea.

"There's about five places that deliver out here," Xander continued aloud.   "Chinese, pizza, Thai, Mexican, and burgers.  How about we just get some from each?"

"Oh!  Mexican!" Fred said, jumping a little, and Tara smiled.

"Pizza!" from Dawn, who sat cross-legged on the floor making 'grrrrr' faces at Connor so he'd laugh, which he was doing around the spout of the cup.

"Hey!  Xander's getting food!"  It was a Potential - Rona - standing at the head of the stairs and there were appreciative yells from the second storey and a thundering of feet.  The bow-shock of the Slayer energy was big enough to precede them by yards and Angel flashed to game face and swooped down on Connor - picked him up and held him close, fight or flight quivering through him.  Spike could see the tension in him and that was one more piece in the puzzle because Angel - shouldn't be that upset.  Not over a pack of little girls, Slayer-taint or no.  Dawn 'eeped' and scooted closer to the couch, leaning into Oz and Derio's shins and shooting a glare at Angel.

"You'll get used to it, Irish," Spike said quietly, voice pitched for Angel's ears and the older vampire looked over at him, his expression a little wild.

"Jesus -" he said, and then the Potentials were pouring down the stairs, lugging buckets and mops and rags and bottles of spray-cleaner, combined scents of chemicals and shampoo and girl-sweat and them - the family blood, Florida Water, Rose oil, blood, Dru Angelus Spike.   Angel took a hard, hard breath and lowered his head and Spike felt a moment's empathy.  It was pretty overwhelming, even when you were used to it.  And the memories that came from the stirred-up scents...those were just as hard to deal with.

"Hey - another vampire!"  Kennedy, of course, doing her best to look hard and menacing and Spike didn't even have to try - the demon was right there and he shook Xander off and was on her in three long strides - grabbed her by the scruff.

"The only other vampire you can't stake, so fuck right off, Kennedy," he snarled and gave her a shove in the direction of the kitchen.  "You lot get this mess put away and get clean - you stink.  And be respectful.  That's the bloody Angelus and he's had more blood on his hands then you'll ever see in your lifetime."  The Potentials milled uncertainly, exchanging looks, then they flocked kitchen-ward, chattering.   Spike didn't pull his punches and they'd learned fast in the last two days not to piss him off - and to hop it when he said hop it.  

Oooh, I think you just might have shocked Angel speechless.   Xander giggled in the link and it was true, Angel was staring at Spike with his mouth gaping open.  Faith was looking a little surprised herself, but then she shook back her hair and stood up again, walking over to Buffy and holding out her hand.

"Listen, B - let's just let all that old stuff go, okay?  Angel said you needed help - that something big was goin' down.   I'm...not the same as I was."

"Pretty close," Buffy said, eyeing her, but she finally reached out and took Faith's hand.  "Okay.  Let's go introduce you to the Potentials.  They need to be whipped into shape and I'll bet you're just the girl to do it."

"You know it.  Gimme a whip and see what happens."  Faith's grin was full of innuendo and Buffy made a face, fighting her own smile.

"We'll take orders, Xander.  And Drake found something in that room back there -"  Buffy pointed past Spike towards what had probably been servant's  quarters or store rooms - a row of cramped cells with small windows and no decoration.  "You might want to - deal with it."

"Sure, Buff," Xander said, ambling over and wrapping his arms around Spike again and Spike just sighed and nodded, tired of the cleaning already - tired of the past being unearthed at every turn.  He'd already smashed the abandoned wheelchair to fragments and it was on the burn-pile outside.

Glad when this is over.  Why doesn't this damn First just show itself so we can fight?  Sick of all this mess.

Be home soon, Xander thought, but his confidence in that mantra was wearing thin as Giles and Ethan discovered more and more about the First - and Buffy told about Angel's encounter with it years ago in this same house.

God, want to be home NOW...love you, love you...   Spike closed his eyes, oblivious for a moment to the Potentials, to Angel - to everything.  Sinking into the internal, full-body pet that Xander was doing, into the pack, safe, love you love you that was coming from Derio and Oz.  Dawn was also family love brothers, fuzzy but there and Tara's voice, rising and falling softly as she talked to Fred, was a pleasant, peaceful thing.  Promise, promise, Spike thought, although promise what he wasn't at all sure.  He was just - afraid, even though he wouldn't admit it.  He felt as if something was going to swoop out of the sky - or burst up out of the floor - and devour them all.  He pushed those things violently away into the dark - back into the recesses of his mind that still held the Initiative, and other things.  The same place he'd been putting them since he first started loving Xander, and his William voice was right - it was crowded in there, and getting nasty.

Don't care.  It's not going to get free and I'm not going to fail.  Get my family safe out of this, that's all that matters - all that counts.

Teeth and claws, from the demon maybe, or William, and he shook his head.

You all right, vampire-mine? Xander asked, and Spike straightened and turned in Xander's embrace, dredging up a smile.
"Never better, love.   Food, yeah?  And then some talk and we'll have this sorted soon."

"Yeah," Xander said softly, and kissed him.

Food went over well.  The Potentials all ate in the living room, cross-legged on the floor, with Connor going from girl to girl, getting hugged, tickled, and fed.  He seemed to prefer the pad Thai noodles and the veggie pizza over all. Dawn chose to eat with the Potentials so she could tell Angel/Angelus/Faith stories.  Even Miss Kitty and Sinclair - unsettled by the move and the strangers - came out of hiding to beg scraps and Connor paced them around the circle for as long as they would put up with him, grabbing for their tails and saying 'kitty kitty kitty' under his breath.   Everyone else gathered at the long table in the dining room, passing around plates and keeping the conversation on the casual side.  Angel surprised everyone by taking some egg-drop soup and then looking speculatively at Spike when he refused any of the blood Angel had brought.

Never touching that foul mess again, Spike thought, shuddering at the aroma of animal blood from Angel's mug.  Derio sniffed and agreed silently that it was bad.  Halfway through the meal, Cecelia Pembroke swept in with the newest Potential - from Australia - and grabbed Anya and Drake for 'family time' at her hotel.  The Potential - Donna - ate three slices of pizza in rapid succession and fell asleep against the couch arm, her shoes still coated in the red dust of home.  Then they talked.

"Wes hasn't found anything about the First you don't already know," Angel said, looking tiredly over at Connor and then back to the table.  "We're doing some research, and we're talking to our people but...there's not much out there."

"The demon community knows it's coming, though," Buffy said, wiping her hands slowly on a napkin.  "A lot of them are clearing out, and - Sunnydale seems to be waking up to reality.  There are a lot more 'For Sale' signs around than before.  I think people kind of...know."

"I wonder how they know?  Is it some sort of race memory thing or is it maybe -"   Fred started rattling off theories and speculations and Spike shook his head - kissed Xander glancingly on the cheek and stood up.

Gonna have a smoke - go hunt.  Be back in a while, yeah?

Sure.  We're going to burn that stuff later - we'll be up.

Love you...   Spike pulled his duster on and stalked outside, lighting up and taking a deep breath of mingled air and smoke.  The garden was dull and stark without the flowers Dru had loved, and the little fountain was sluggish - needed cleaning.  The scent of the sea was far off and thin, and he could mostly smell old blood and the rot of things in the cistern.  Good thing they're burning that tonight.  Can't wait much longer.   He pulled out his flask and took a long pull - the last of the Glenfiddich that the mage had brought - and was unsurprised when Angel stepped out into the garden after him.  They both stood in silence, Spike smoking and Angel watching him, and Spike finally sighed and offered the flask.  Angel took a long drink and handed it back, and Spike tucked it away.

"I'm hunting.  You with?" he asked shortly, and Angel hesitated and then nodded.  

Downtown Sunnydale was deserted, even though it was relatively early, and Spike headed for the docks.  There was always something shady going on there, and he didn't think Angel would have too much to complain about if he took down a criminal or two.  They wandered in silence along the creaking piers, the soft slap and gurgle of the sea familiar and calming.  It was almost like the Duwamish near their house in Seattle and for a moment homesickness gripped Spike so hard that the link flared wide; Xander, Oz and Derio all snatched into the feeling and buffeted by it before he could get it under control.

Sorry, sorry my loves, sorry, didn't mean -

It's all right...all right...I miss it too, love, miss it too... from Xander, heartbreak in that thought, and: Pack, pack safe...home soon... and love you from Oz and Derio.

"You all right?" Angel asked, staring at him, and Spike shook himself all over and frowned, going for another cigarette.

"Just talkin' to my family," he muttered, and Angel nodded slowly.

"Do you think what you did...hurt Xander?  Do you think it...tainted him?" Angel's voice was so soft - so bereft of the usual impatience or accusation or sneer that Spike stopped walking and looked at him for a long moment.

"I can't touch his soul any more than he can touch mine.  I might be playin' nice an' all but I'm still what I was - nothing's gonna change that.  But I love him and he feels that, every minute.  He knows, and -"

"Accepts," Angel murmured, and Spike shook his head impatiently.  

"The Slayer 'accepts'.  Xander - knows.  And it doesn't matter.  He loves me no matter what," Spike added, so softly that Angel might not have heard, but he did.

"Do you think -" he started, and then paused, scenting the air.  There were people up ahead, and there was blood.  Spike grinned at him and flicked his cigarette away, shifting into game-face and stalk-mode as smooth as glass.   Three men were attacking a fourth - the fourth was scrabbling for a gun that gleamed dully under the running lights of some ship - and Spike pounced gleefully into the midst of them, dealing out blows that knocked two men cold and broke an arm.  He grabbed the fourth man and shook him.

"What're you doin' out here, mate?  Not a good place to be after dark," he growled, and the man writhed in terror.  Angel was in game-face also, his nostrils flaring at the thick scent of blood in the air and Spike snarled a silent laugh.

"Take it!  Just take it!  Just - don't kill me, okay?  Please!"

"Take what, eh?  What're you offerin'?" Spike asked, and the man kicked his foot out at a duffle that was lying half-zipped near Spike's feet.  Spike poked at it with his toe.

"Oi - Irish!  See what's in here."  He saw the man with the broken arm getting dazedly to his feet and he strode over to him, dragging the man in his arms along by the throat.  The broken-arm man cringed away and Spike grabbed his jacket and flung him towards Angel, who straightened up from the duffle and caught him.

"It's heroin, Spike.  A lot."

"Oooh - got a little horse in the bag an' you wanna trade it for your life?" Spike purred.  The man nodded frantically, twisting in Spike's choke-hold.  

"You can have all of it!" he rasped.   "Worth a quarter-mil!  More!"

"Sure it is," Spike said, grinning over at Angel who looked a little confused.  Spike wrenched the man's head over and drank, fast, before Angel had a chance to figure out what he was doing.  When he'd taken enough to incapacitate - but not enough to kill - he let the man fall to the ground, licking his lips.

"Spike!  What the fuck -!"  Angel's shock drove his demon away and Spike grinned, knowing there was blood on his fangs.

"Said I was hunting, Angel.  You think I live on animal blood - stale human blood fit for the garbage?  I hunt.  I just don't kill 'em - mostly."  Angel just stood staring at him, but Spike knew he could hear the man's heartbeat - knew he was still alive.   The man with the broken arm was babbling something now, about money and drugs, and Angel came out of his daze and shook him, shutting him up.  Spike picked up the duffle of heroin and zipped it shut - spied another bag half-hidden under a pile of rotting crates and pulled it out.

"Oh look - the payoff."  Spike lifted a stack of bills - hundreds - and the man twitched.  "Go on, Angel - you can have a taste.  You used to, you know.  I remember.  Only the murderers and rapists.  He's close enough, don't you think?"   Spike slung the bag of money down with the drugs and walked over to Angel who looked miserable and furious at the same time.

"You've got to be kidding me, Spike!  You - hunt - people.  You drink their blood!  How - how can...  Xander said you have a soul!  Giles did!"

"I do have a soul, you wanker!  Not callin' Xan a liar, are you?  Never lost my soul, unlike some.  You think I should be - hidin' in the corner?  Crying for the quick and the dead?"

"Humans, Spike!  How can you -"

"I'm a vampire, mate, same as you, although you'd like to forget what you are."  Spike turned in a circle, arms outstretched.  He felt a curious sort of buzzing somewhere in the back of his head.  Felt as if he were floating.  Memories of past times - hunts with Angelus, with Dru through the midnight streets - welled up and spilled over, and he was lost to the past.   "Play-pretend with your humans and hide your face all you like...  Xander knows what I am - they all do."  Spike looked over at Angel, and at the human who was struggling in his grip and he snarled in impatient fury.  Strode over and snatched the broken-armed man out of Angel's lax hold.  He cuffed the man a sharp blow and the human sank to the ground, unconscious.  The link was thrumming with tension and question question and Spike soothed his family - shut down, a little, letting them know it was just between him and Angel, for now.  That floating feeling persisted, and Spike felt the demon stir and surge and stretch, reaching for the freedom it had had on the mountain with his family - nostalgic for past times and aching for Angel to just be himself - just this once, just for a little while.  Cast out and denied and all ties severed but it still wanted...would always want.

"It's wrong, Spike.  I don't have to -"

"But you do, you bloody stupid bastard."  Spike got up in Angel's face, the demon snarling at him and calling Angel's own to the fore, golden eyes and heavy, ridged brow and they glared at each other.  "You fight it every day, Angel - every minute.  You ever think that if you let the demon out a bit more that the bloody Angelus wouldn't be madder than Dru?  It's like askin' a bird not to fly, Angel!"  Spike crouched down suddenly and wiped his finger along the broken-armed man's temple, where blood trickled from the blow he'd dealt.  He stood back up and shoved his hand into Angel's face, watching the struggle - the desperation.

"It's what we are, you ponce.  Pretend all day and nothing will change it.  Use it!  Don't imagine you're better for drinkin' that filth you do and sleepin' all night and hiding - everything you are."  Angel seemed frozen, panting lightly, and Spike slowly painted his lips with the blood - put his other hand up and took the back of Angel's neck in a hard grip.  "They can take more than you think, Angel.  They can - accept more than you could ever imagine.  I promised Xander I wouldn't kill 'em.  And mostly I don't, unless they want it.  The sick ones, they've always come to us, haven't they?   I take those, sometimes, and he knows, and he doesn't mind.  But I don't hide, and I don't try to fool myself.  I'm stronger than you, Angel, because I've never shut the demon out."  Angel's mouth was open and he licked, slowly, at his lips.  Shuddered violently under Spike's hand.

"There now," Spike crooned, leaning in to rest his forehead on Angel's - closing his eyes and inhaling the rich, earthy, musky scent that was Angel, Angelus...familiar as his own body and triggering a flood of memories that had been hovering for days, dredged up by the house-cleaning and ready to swamp him - drown him.

"Spike - you...  I can't -"

"'Course you can.  Angel, Angel....Angelus...  We were good together, yeah?  Were like...one mind.  One body.  I always knew - where you were, when to move.  Always knew you were there, in a fight.  At my back..."  Angel shifted and his hands came up and gripped Spike's shoulders, kneading through his duster and Spike wanted to laugh - wanted to cry.  Images thick and fast and not all of them bad - not all of them full of heartache.

"Wanted to share this with another man and you did...shared it all, showed me so much...  Loved you all so much, Angel, wanted you all so much and I - tried so hard..."  Spike heard his voice crack - didn't care.  Oh, he was cold, and he missed Dru, he missed - Xander and their house, and he wanted...  "Why'd you leave us?  Why'd you hate us?"  That memory, hurtful and bitter, made him catch his breath and Angel's hands were stroking his back now, pulling him into an embrace he hadn't felt in a century.  The demon struggled, confused and angry, but Spike - William - just wanted the past to be quiet - wanted to somehow let out the poison of it and family family family was dinning in his mind, overriding even the demon's anger at Angel's rejection.  Did want us, but there was something...something...  Dru would know, Darla...she'll remember.  Mind like a steel trap, that one...have to ask...

"You always loved too much, Spike.  Hurt yourself over and over, loving like that.  I could never love like that...Angelus couldn't..."

"He did.  You did.  Before...  Why did you do it, Angel?  You tore Dru to bits, leavin' us like that.  Broke her right down...gutted me..."  Old hurt, old pain - too much - and Spike struggled in Angel's embrace, pulling away and staring at him, knowing there were tears on his face and this once not caring.  He was suffocating in the press of memory and emotion and he closed the link down harder, trying to keep the hurt away - trying to regain some control.  Things were - coming undone.  He felt it - recognized it - but didn't know how to stop it, and awareness dimmed.

"Spike?"  Angel's voice, far away, and Spike shook himself and looked around, at docks and sprawled bodies and the thin, curling mist off the sea.

"Where's Dru, eh?  Where'd we leave the ladies?  Time to get them and go home..."  There was something - calling.  Something black and huge and older than anything he knew but it whispered promises - whispered family - told him where to go.  Spike reached out for Xander but the link - wasn't there.  Or he couldn't find it, and then he forgot what he was doing and looked at Angel again, who was staring at him.

"I know a place; they'll love it, Angelus.  Let's find them, let me show you - you've never seen... come on!  You don't want to miss this -"   Spike turned and ran, heading towards what he wasn't sure but it wanted, and it showed him things he'd forgotten - things he'd dreamed - and he didn't know the difference, now.  He could hear Angel somewhere behind him and he shouted to the wind - to the sliver of moon and the sound of the tide.

"Come on - come on!  Fast as you can!  Can't catch me -"   He laughed aloud, and the insistent prick of the link only urged him on.  Somewhere was something to explain this, and he was going to find it.  Somewhere was family, and Angel was there, missing link, and now he had the chain and he could pull them all back, make them all his, forever and always.  Xander, wolflings, Dru...all of them, all of them...  Where's my boy?  It - knows.  It will tell me...tell me...   Running towards, and he didn't notice that he was still crying.

20 Games

"Man, I hope Spike and Angel aren't gonna fight," Xander muttered, helping Oz shove twisted newspaper into the pile of stuff they were going to burn.  The feeling coming from Spike was uneasy and prickly - a little hostile.  

"Yeah, don't need that," Oz agreed.  He surveyed the pile and nodded his approval - turned with a smile as Derio came out of the house with a box of long fireplace matches.  Oz made a small motion with his hand and Xander moved back - watched him light the newspaper.  After a minute, when all the paper was ablaze, Oz leaned over the edge of the cistern to blow on the small flames.  They flattened and sprang back, making a fluttering noise, and Xander concentrated on Spike.  He could scent the blood with him - scent the fight.  He felt it in his own body when Spike pounced on the man and drank him down.  He lowered his head, trembling a little with reaction at the tingling rush of it.   He could almost taste it in his mouth - fear and anger in equal parts, spice of alcohol and heat.  A soft gasp at the sudden and nauseating feeling of floating - of disconnection.

What - from Derio, head to one side and his hand gripping the cistern-edge tight, his eyes losing focus. The link shifted - flared and then warped as something seemed to - scramble it.  Xander lifted his head, a chill creeping over him and his eyes fluttering closed.  Trying to sort the sudden, bewildering barrage of images and emotions.  Oz growled softly, shifting, orienting himself towards wherever Spike was.

What the fuck?   The sense of something looming - calling - waiting to devour suddenly intensified beyond all proportion and the link went haywire, mental static shot through with memories that, Xander realized, weren't right.  Not all of them.

Oh god, he's - fuck, something's triggered it - he's forgetting -   Derio was growling as well, halfway to wolf already and Oz was trembling - Xander was.  He felt as if he were being thrust into a violent windstorm; the link was noise, was anger and fear and longing, and he thought for one long moment that he was going to fall, balance deserting him, vision going to a black-edged tunnel.  And Spike wasn't answering - wasn't even acknowledging them.  He put his hand down on the edge of the cistern to steady himself and the fire, burning high, singed his knuckles.  He didn't even care.

"Xander?  What's -"  Tara was in the doorway, hugging herself, looking troubled and Xander blinked at her, shaking his head.

"I don't know.  Something's - happened, something -"   The link flared suddenly, the demon overwhelming all, darklife chaos malice olderthan and then it was gone - Spike was gone as suddenly and completely as a TV that had been turned off, leaving only a low, grating hum.  A little thread of glowing phosphor - cathode tube cooling down - was the only thing telling him Spike was alive.  Xander swayed, feeling that as a physical blow.

"Oh - god!"  The looming - the devouring presence was still there - was oppressive and massive and somehow gloating and Xander felt sweat break out over his body and face - felt the hyena surge up and out.  And he let it come; opened wide to it and knew his eyes were alive with that eerie glow - knew the change in his aura had slammed into Tara like a wave when she gasped and staggered back a step.   He was dimly aware of Oz and Derio stripping as fast as they could, changing before their clothes were half off, danger danger not pack not pack notpack pouring off them.

"Xander -"   Tara took one step towards him and then stopped, and he unclenched his fists - fought the hyena back far enough to uncurl the snarl that was twisting his mouth - stealing his voice.

"Ta-ara...f-fuck..."

"Go slow - what do I need to do?" she said, and Xander shook his head hard, sucking in a deep breath and feeling Oz press into his thigh on one side, Derio on the other.  Heat and solid muscle and his hands were on their powerful shoulders, fingers sinking into the fur.

"Get - Giles and Ethan.  Ward the house - do it now, Tara, do - whatever you have to do.  S-something's coming and Spike - Spike -"   He struggled to stay still - to listen - but he only got that feeling of a storm coming.  Some rapidly approaching thing that was suffocating him - making him want to fight - to scream.  The ragged bit of fire-fly glow from Spike was still there, flickering; sending jumbled emotions and glimpses of the past too quickly to see or understand.

"Get everything - locked down."

"I will.  Xander - go find him."  Xander nodded jerkily and lurched forward, the dual control of his body switching suddenly so that he stalked into the house and Buffy leapt to her feet, her face pale.

"Xander - Oz?  What -"

"Something's happened - something's coming.  Spike -"

"Where is he?  Is Angel -?"

"We have to go!"  Xander strode over to a chest shoved up against the wall and pulled out two longish knives, shoving them into the waist of his jeans.  He snagged a short-handled ax and turned - tossed it to Buffy.  "Tara - has the house.  We've got to go now."  Her face went set and hard, and he knew she understood.

"Faith!" Buffy yelled, hefting the axe.  "You're in charge here - Tara knows - guard the girls!"

"You got it, B," from somewhere on the stairs and Faith's footsteps, pounding down.  That little tingling pulse that said Slayer was like a knife-point in the back of his head and Xander shivered all over, wanting out of there, needing to get clear of it.

"But what on earth -"  Giles, coming in from the kitchen with a comet's tail of Potentials and Xander snarled, patience gone, temper and the hyena taking complete control.

"Shit!  His eyes -"  Molly backpedaled when Xander glared at her then he turned and ran; out the door, across the courtyard, up the steps; Oz and Derio leaping ahead, Buffy right behind and the night like the wing of a raven, folding over them and taking them in.

Halfway to - wherever they were going - Angel suddenly pelted out of the blackness, two bags slung over his shoulders, game-faced and growling.

"Can you find him?" he shouted, and Oz let forth a string of yelping howls that Derio took up a moment later.  Xander opened his mouth on a full-throated shriek and they wheeled like a flock of birds, darting down an alley, Angel falling in behind.  It was here, here, here, like a hooked line dragging them in, the oppressive want and the tiny glowing spark of darklife pack family that was all that told them Spike was still alive - still conscious.

Fucking school, it's the SCHOOL, what the fuck - Spike, Spike, SPIKE!

Protect, protect - god, HURTS -   Wolf-Derio whined, running beside him, and it did hurt.  The buzz that was the Hellmouth was stronger here by a hundred times or more and it made Xander feel as if ants were crawling all over him - crawling and biting.   The string of beads he wore burned against his chest.

It's worse, it's stronger - fuck!  A sudden, blood-curdling bolt, and Xander stumbled and almost fell - wrenched himself up and ran on, hearing Angel roar behind him.

"What the fuck was that!"

"Hellmouth!  Open or - run, damnit!"  They pounded down the sidewalk and then they were on campus and Xander snuffed the air, tasting for Spike and finding only earth and human-smell, overpowering.

Alarm?  Pack, find him, find him... from Oz.   There was a light in the school where light shouldn't be, and the door yielded to Xander's shove.  Not locked - Spike - SPIKE!  We're coming, hold fast hold fast hold fast - Oz and Derio skidded on the linoleum, claws scrabbling for purchase and Xander ran, feeling the tug in the link getting stronger, the stuttering images and emotions starting to overwhelm him.  He careened around a corner and almost ran full tilt into a door.  'Basement Access' on a red sign and a wooden wedge shoved under the edge of it, holding it open.

"Fuck - down here -"

"Like with the eggs -" Buffy said, panting, and Xander remembered.  That seal was down there - the Hellmouth's front door and that - was where Spike was.

Fuck, fuck, FUCK, it called him here - Spike!  Protect protect protect -    He practically flew down the stairs - around a landing and down again and then they were running along a labyrinth of corridors.  Stuff - was everywhere - old desks and file cabinets and piles of broken chairs and tables.  Over all was that 'basement' smell of must and earth and water, stale air and dust.  And a faint, lingering scorched smell that reminded him of the day they'd blown the school up.  And Blood, that's blood - fuck - SPIKE!   Oz whined, panting, running just ahead, Derio on his heels.   Angel's shoes thundered on the dirty concrete and Buffy's boot-heels made sharp crack crack sounds.  And something else.  Spike.  Shouting.

"I did not!  I wouldn't do that!  Doesn't matter, doesn't matter -"   His voice abruptly cut off and Xander pushed himself, extra burst of speed, his lungs burning.   A corner, then a doorway and Oz was through, and Derio, Careful, jump! then he was, stumbling and nearly falling over a body lying aslant the door.  Dirt was mounded up around the edges of the room and the seal lay exposed - bloody.  Spike was against the far wall, crouched down over another body, head in hands.

Blood - Jesus, on him, his hands - the SEAL, god -   Then they were across the room, they were around Spike, the wolves pushing up against him and Xander crouching down - reaching for him.

"Spike - hey, Spike - you okay?  Are you hurt?"  Spike flinched and looked up at him.  Eyes wide, blood smeared on his mouth - his cheek - his hair, from where his hands had clutched and raked the strands into disarray.

"You're not dead," he hissed, and then the link surged - opened wide and Xander almost screamed.  Spike did, his fingers clawing at his head and Xander lunged and grabbed him, pulling him up and away from the body that lay at his feet, holding him tight.  The seal was closed but the nerve-wracking hum from it still shivered through the air and Xander could feel a headache building behind his eyes.

I'm here, I'm here, you're safe - pack is safe - Spike, love, you're safe, safe...

Pack pack pack safe, love you...   Derio and Oz pressed into Spike's legs, heat and solidity and Spike was shuddering, panting.  

I saw her, saw her - she told me - Xander, she said you were DEAD, she said - I killed you, killed...    She SHOWED me - Xander, Xander -   Spike was incoherent - terrified - and Xander mindlessly soothed and whispered and held him, doing his best to shunt the battering emotions away from Derio and Oz - trying to let them just go through him and drain away.   Images - Dru, and Darla, and Angelus, dressed like a movie extra and Xander couldn't tell if they were old memories or new.

Buffy and Angel were still by the door, helping the man there sit up.  Youngish black man, suit and tie and a bloody bruise on his jaw.   Oz nuzzled into Spike's side and then went to investigate the body that was sprawled over the seal.

Gonna change, he thought, brief flicker of modesty with Buffy there, and then he changed and crouched naked over the blond corpse - turned it gently onto its back.  The throat was gone.

"It's - Andrew," Oz said softly, and Buffy looked up, grimacing at the blood and cartilage and muscle showing raw and dirt-flecked under the slack, pale face.

"He and that - other boy were down here -"  The black man coughed, holding his ribs, and Buffy helped him to stand.  Angel stalked over to Xander and Spike, his face set and furious.  

"You killed him, Spike!"

"Fuck off, Angel!"   Xander glared at Angel over Spike's shoulder and Derio pushed forcefully between Angel and Spike, hackles raised, growling.

"Xander, you can't seriously be okay with -"

"Shut the fuck up," Xander snapped, bending a little to listen to Spike who was muttering something into Xander's neck.

"Spike?  What'd you say, love?  Tell me again."

"I didn't - I don't - you said no killing and I don't, I hardly ever do, I - he was - there was blood on the s-seal, blood all - down his arm and that - that -"   Spike twisted suddenly and stared at the seal - at Oz, who was changing back.  "Of course they know!  I don't -"

"Spike?" Xander took Spike's face gently in his palms, turning his head.  "We know what, love?"

Spike just stared at him for a moment and then he suddenly shivered all over and the link rapidly settled, going from chaotic flood to normal in seconds.

"Xander?  What are - fuck, it was opening -"   Spike whipped around to stare at the seal again - lifted his hands to scrub them back through his hair and checked when he saw the blood.  "What the fuck is going on?"

"That's what I'd like to know.  We need to get out of here.  Is - that guy dead, too?"  Buffy was looking at the third body, the one Spike had been crouched over.

Oz, is he-?

Alive - hurt.  His blood on the seal.

"He's alive, Buffy.  He may need a doctor."  Buffy crossed over to where the third body lay and crouched down, gently turning the boy and jumping back a little when he groaned.  

"It's Johnathan!  Angel - help me -"   Angel glared at Spike for a moment and then walked over to Buffy.   Between them they hoisted the limp body up.  Johnathan's head lolled and he whimpered faintly, his black shirt shiny with blood.

"What - should we do with -"   The black man gestured hesitantly at Andrew and Buffy shook her head.

We'll bury him.  Get out of here.  Oz straddled the body and took a mouthful of the black turtleneck Andrew had been wearing between his jaws - lifted him up and began to drag the body away, wolf with prey and Xander saw Buffy go pale.

"Oz and Derio can - bury him.  He's been missing for months and there was never...  No Missing Persons.  We can't stop to deal with him," Xander said, gently as he could, and Buffy gulped and nodded.  "Buffy - who is -"   Xander gestured at the black man, who looked...oddly calm, for being in the midst of blood and chaos.

"I'm - I'm Robin Wood.  I'm the principal at Sunnydale High.  And I know Ms. Summers - she's pretty infamous around here."  Robin brushed half-heartedly at his suit and looked narrowly at Spike.  "When I came in here, he was - raving.  Had that blond boy by the neck.   He - he killed him.  I tried to stop him - I think he cracked my ribs.  You do know he's a vampire?"  

"'Course we know," Xander snapped, ice forming in the pit of his stomach and he felt a shiver go through Spike.

"Had to - had to, Xan, he was - it was opening and she said - said I'd done it, said I'd hurt that - that boy but I know, I know, I - had to stop him -"   Spike vamped suddenly, growling, lunging forward towards nothing at all.  "Get out!  Get out - filthy bitch!  Angelus, rein her in or I fuckin' swear -"   Xander wrapped his arms around Spike, holding him as tightly as he could, pulling him back from his invisible antagonist.  The Hellmouth energy thrummed over their nerves, like being next to a huge, poorly-tuned engine and he couldn't sort it from Spike, from Buffy, from Oz and Derio, who were going rapidly away with the corpse, relieved to be going but Keep him safe - love you, Spike, love you, pack, pack.

"We have to get out of here.  Buffy - come on -"   Buffy nodded and she and Angel started maneuvering the boy out of the room, his limp body slung between them.   Johnathan moaned again, his eyes fluttering.

"I think he needs a doctor," Buffy said, and Robin started patting at himself.  

"I've got my cell - I'll call 911 and - and then I'm going to want an explanation for - all of this," he said, eyeing Spike - and Angel - and the seal with a tight-lipped expression.

"Yeah, we'll call you, let's get going."  Buffy and Angel hauled Johnathan out, Robin following behind, and Xander slowly let Spike go - turned him so he could see Spike's face.

"Love, you all right?  What happened?"  He let his fingers brush over the dried blood on Spike's  cheek and Spike shuddered, closing his eyes and leaning into Xander - leaning his forehead on Xander's and taking a long, hard breath.

"I don't - know, Xan, I - Angel and me, we were - on the docks.  And these men - fighting...  And I stopped them and I had one...drank from him..."  He stopped and Xander slid his hands down Spike's shoulders - slipped them in under the duster and rubbed gentle, soothing circles on Spike's back.      

"Yeah.  I felt that.  Then - you were talking to Angel and...?"

"Was tellin' him - stop being so daft, stop fighting the demon and...try to live with it...  He was - he...  I forgot, Xander!  I thought - we were hunting, I thought we'd go and get...D-dru and Darla and...  And I was gonna - show them this, it...  Said you were here, said...  we'd be family and I forgot, I just - I thought - Angelus had come back and I wanted you, wanted him, wanted -"  Spike wrenched away - drove his fist hard into the cinder-block wall and stood there, head down, blood oozing from under his knuckles.  Xander hesitantly touched his shoulder, squeezing gently through the scarred leather.  

Spike, love - it's all right -

"No it's not!  It's not all right!"  Spike whipped around, demon to the fore.  "I forgot us!  Forgot the claim...  Xander, I would have - If I'd kept forgetting I would have tried to turn you!  Anything to keep you..."  Spike's hand, shaking and blood-stained, lifted to cradle Xander's cheek, and Xander felt the sizzle of pain in the link from the broken fingers.

"But you didn't forget me -" he whispered, and Spike shook his head slowly.

"No...  Something said - you were mine, had to be...mine.  Said I wanted you and needed you and...  I did.  But - I would have taken you, love, not asked you..."  Forgive me, Xander, please, so sorry, so sorry...

Spike - no - nothing to forgive, please,  love -   Xander pulled Spike into his arms and just held him, murmuring to him, rubbing slowly over his back, doing his best to comfort - to reassure.  The link was full of images - of emotions - and Xander saw that it was true.  Spike would have taken him, made him over.  Would have tried.  And Xander...wasn't sure he cared, deep down.  

Anything, my love, my own...   But he didn't share that with Spike.  Not...now.   I'm not helpless, love, and Oz and Derio are here - we'd have stopped you, if we'd had to.  You'd never hurt me, Spike, never hurt me...  Love you, vampire-mine, love you so much.

Scared.  Xander, I'm scared, please don't - don't let me...  Spike was breathing in jerky pants into Xander's neck, wetting the skin there and Xander knew he was fighting tears - fighting and losing.

Won't.  I won't.  You're safe, love, safe - promise.  Love you...

Love you, keep you safe, pack, pack...  Distant but coming closer, Oz and Derio doing their best to reassure as well, and Xander finally pulled back a little - got Spike turned toward the doorway.

"Come on, love, we need to get back to the house.  Faith's there, and Tara, but..."

"Yeah.  Okay."  Spike sniffed and wiped at his eyes - took out a cigarette and lit it - stared for a moment at the blood on his hand.  They picked their way around the room, being careful not to stumble over the mounded earth, and then went out and up, as fast as they could.  They met Oz and Derio near the front doors and watched from the shadows as an ambulance loaded Johnathan up and took him away.  Angel faded out of the darkness when they did, the bags still over his shoulders and Spike laughed weakly.

"Kept the skag then, Angel?  Good on you," he chuckled, and Angel glowered at him.

"I want to know just what in hell is going on -" he started, but Derio growled at him, and Buffy put her hand on his arm.

"Let's get back home first, okay, Angel?  I don't like leaving everybody alone for so long."  Angel looked at her and sighed, nodding.

"Yeah, okay.  Let's go."

Meet you there, Oz thought, and he and Derio loped away, disappearing into the darkness.

The Crawford Street house was in chaos and Xander just shut his eyes for a minute, willing his headache to go away.  But it didn't, and he sighed and stared at the milling Potentials - at the wounded ones, lying on the floor.  Several of the girls were crying and Vi was hysterical.   Faith - bloody but upright - was snapping orders, and Tara, Giles and Ethan looked as if they were recovering from something bad.  A ward was up and it sizzled over their skin as they crossed the threshold.  Angel flinched from it, looking around, and Buffy rubbed the back of her neck.  She had a streak of blood on her arm.

"Glinda - Niblet?" Spike called, darting forward, and Tara put up her hand - smiled weakly as Spike crouched down next to her.  A thin trickle of blood was coming down from her nose and Spike looked around for something to wipe it away.  Xander's breath ooofed out of him as Dawn flung herself at him and he picked his way across the floor to Tara as well, hugging Dawn close.  Oz and Derio were in the garden, hunting the grounds for -

"Bringers.  It was those - Bringers.  You guys booked and - bam - they were on us.  Didn't even have time for the mojo to go up."  Faith wiped her hair back from her face and hauled an extra-large sized First Aid kit closer to her and started cleaning a gash in the leg of one of the girls.   It was the Chinese one, and she said something faintly, looking the other way.  Dawn hugged Xander one more time and then slipped away, moving to take the girl's hand.  She said something haltingly to her and the Chinese Potential nodded, eyes closed.

Our girl gets smarter every day, Spike thought, pride and worry mingling in that thought and Xander had to smile.  He knelt down next to Spike, rubbing Tara's knee softly.  

"How many were there?  What happened?"   Buffy moved to help Faith and Angel slung the bags to the floor - looked around.

"There's another kit in the kitchen, Angel," Buffy said, her tone implying quite clearly that she expected him to go and get it and get busy.   Angel stared at her for a moment and then went, glaring.  Spike chuckled softly, holding both of Tara's hands in his.

"You all right, pet?  You look knackered."

"I'm - I'm fine.  We had to put the ward up f-fast.  I've never done one without - preparing.  Ethan - sh-showed me how and then we m-made it.  It was - hard."  Tara looked up gratefully as Rona brought her a wad of paper towels.  She wiped at her nose and looked over at Giles and Ethan, both of whom were slumped against the wall, pale and exhausted looking. Ethan had a nose-bleed as well.

"Fuck - shouldn't have left, shouldn't have gone out at all, damnit," Spike muttered, and My fault, my fault, put them all in danger, FAMILY first, never should have -

Stop it, Spike!  It's not your fault.  It's the First and you know it.  They'd have attacked no matter what.  It's not your FAULT, Spike.  Spike looked at Xander for a moment, and Xander could see the grief and guilt and self-loathing in his eyes, and then Spike was closing the link, turning back to Tara and Xander wanted to kick and scream. This had to be fixed.  They had to find a way.

"Please don’t shut me out, Spike," Xander whispered, and Spike's shoulders slumped.  He nodded and let his control of the link ease, and Xander hated the sorrow and desperation and fear that flooded out to him.  Tara looked unhappy - it was clear she could sense something - and she put her hand out and gently petted Spike's hair for a moment.

Clear - all clear out here.  Nothing, from Oz, and a minute later the two of them came inside, human again and dressed, shivering under the ward.  They both came immediately over, Derio trailing a hand over Spike's shoulder as he settled on the couch next to Tara, Oz crouching down and smiling up at her - leaning into Spike a little, Love you love you pack, softly in the link.

"There was only - ten?  Only ten.  We got four of 'em - they're over there."  Faith jerked her chin towards the stairs and for the first time Xander noticed the bodies, stacked haphazardly.  Beings dressed in black, their eyes - gone.  He shivered and squeezed Tara's knee - looked over at Oz.

Fire still going? he asked, and Oz nodded.  

When they're asleep, Oz thought, and Xander agreed.

"When they got the wards up, it - hurt them, I guess.  The ones still standing ran and we finished off the ones too hurt to get out.  Giles can swing a sword like you wouldn't believe."  Faith sent a grin over her shoulder at the Watcher and Xander heard Ethan chuckle softly.  "Our girls did good, B."  Faith finished off the bandage on Chao-ahn and sat back on her heels, looking tired.

"Yeah, they did.  Okay..."  Buffy stood up, looking around the room at the Potentials.  They looked back, and Xander thought that maybe they were - straighter, now.  A little more confident.

"You guys did do good, and - well, I'm proud of you.  Why don't you go upstairs, get cleaned up and get to bed.  We've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.

"What happened with you tonight?"  It was Kennedy, sporting a black eye and a badly scraped shoulder, and Buffy sighed and shook her head.

"In the morning, Kennedy.  Come on - all of you - upstairs."   Kennedy grumbled and the other girls didn't look happy, but they eventually trailed away upstairs, avoiding the pile of Bringer corpses.  Angel, who'd done a little bandaging himself, was wiping his hands on some spare gauze.

"I kind of want to know what happened tonight too," he said, eyes on Spike's face, and Spike snarled at him.  Xander put a hand on Spike's shoulder.

"Buffy can tell you, Angel.  We're gonna get rid of the bodies."  Angel eyed him - nodded stiffly and strode to the courtyard.   Buffy sighed again and looked over at Xander and Spike.

"You want me to tell him about...the forgetting?"

"If you can," Xander said softly, and she nodded, frowning, and turned and followed Angel out.

Wanker.  He needs to go.

Yeah.  C'mon - you okay to do this?   Spike pushed himself to his feet - patted Tara's shoulder.  She smiled at him and stood herself, stiff.

"I'm going to make some tea, something...calming.  I think we could all use it," she said quietly.  She went over to Giles and Ethan and got them up, Ethan swaying a little and leaning heavily on Giles.

"I'll - take tea out to Buffy.  She may need some help...explaining," Giles said, his voice hoarse and tired, and Tara patted his arm and led the way to the kitchen.  Dawn had found Sinclair and was cuddling him on the other couch, watching everyone scatter.

"Hey, Spike - can I have the last of your Jaffa Cakes?"

"'Course you can, Bit."   Spike smiled, going over to stroke a hand over her hair and give Sinclair's head a quick rub.  She grinned at him and went into the kitchen.  Xander pushed his hands through his hair - looked over to Oz and Derio.

"Let's get this over with, then," he said.  Spike pulled his duster off and flung it over the couch - went with Xander to the Bringer corpses and the four of them hauled them out into the courtyard where the fire in the cistern was burning hot and bright.

As the bodies slowly dissolved to ash and grease and bits of charred bone, they sat against the wall, watching.  Derio and Oz were leaning together, Derio humming softly under his breath, Oz's fingers restlessly twisting in his dreads.  Xander leaned against the wall, Spike between his legs, cuddling him close.  Spike had his head on Xander's shoulder - his arms crossed over Xander's.

We'll fix this, Spike.  Whatever it is, we'll fix it.  Promise.

Love you, Xander.  Love you...

Love you too, vampire-mine....always.  Xander rested his cheek on Spike's temple and pulled him closer, and hoped, quietly and secretly down in the bottom of his heart, that they could fix whatever was wrong.

Please - anything. I'll give anything - do anything.  Just - anyone that can, anyone that will...  Help us...

21 News

Xander stumbled downstairs around eleven o'clock the next day, yawning, squinting against the sun that was coming in through the kitchen windows.  He looked blearily around and finally found a clean mug, and poured himself some coffee.  It was stone-cold, so he stuck the cup in the microwave and turned to find some breakfast - and nearly jumped out of his skin when he found Faith standing right behind him.

"Fuck -"   He pushed down the hyena's instinctive response - not pack! and crossed his arms over his chest, hating to be defensive.  But the unpleasant Slayer tingle was worse, now that there were so many, and Faith's in particular was harsher than Buffy - less controlled.

"Sorry, man, didn't mean to -"  Faith made a sort of 'backing off' gesture, hands up and open, literally taking a step back, and Xander sighed and forced himself to relax.

"You startled me.  And I can - feel you.  It's...  It's uncomfortable."

"Feel me?  Like - how?"  Faith leaned back against the counter behind her, pulling cigarettes and lighter out of her jeans - although how they fit in that skin-tight denim, Xander wasn't really sure.

"Like - a kind of buzzing in the back of my head.  Listen, Faith, I'm just - getting some breakfast and -"

"Hey, Xander, I just -"   Faith looked intently at the tip of her cigarette for a minute and then looked up at him.  She looked - serious, and a little angry, and Xander just didn't want to talk about it.  "I just - I wanted to say I'm sorry, okay?  I was - really shitty to you before and...  I wanted you to know...  I didn't say anything but I was really glad you tried to...well, tried to be my friend, you know?  I just...was in a really bad place."  She took a huge drag on the cigarette and for a moment Xander flashed on Spike, and how he distracted himself from unpleasant things, and he sighed.

"Faith - look.  That...was a long time ago, okay?  I mean, yeah, it sucked and I was pissed about it for a long time.  But now -"   Xander made a gesture, indicating the house; the Potentials, whom he could hear out in the garden - the situation, really, with a spread of his fingers.  "Now is - really bad, you know?  And...that's just...done.  It's over.  I'm...I don't care, anymore.  You're here, helping us - Wes says you're okay, and Tara does, so - I trust you.  Just - stay away from Spike, okay?  'Cause he...doesn't."

"Feeling's mutual," Faith muttered, and then she shook her head.  "I get - what he's doing.  Kind of.  You two - Wes kind of explained, and Fred did, a little...  You know her and your witch are kinda...diggin' each other?"  The microwave dinged and Xander turned and got his coffee, cradling the warm cup in his hands.

"Yeah," he said, chuckling, and Faith relaxed a tiny bit, smiling at him.  She's really pretty when she smiles.  Fuck.  Can't wait for this whole mess to be over.  Really wasn't up to confronting the woman who...well...  

"Fred just wouldn't shut up about her - 'Tara' this and 'Tara' that and - it was kinda cute, in a really annoying sorta way."  Faith finished her cigarette and moved to the sink, dousing it and tossing the butt into the trash.   Pack pack pack, getting stronger, and then Derio padded in, pajama pants and the string of red and black beads and nothing else.  He blinked sleepily at Faith, a little flare of alarm in the link, and then he went for the coffee as well.  While the microwave ran he leaned next to Xander, shoulder and hip brushing, and Xander sighed and leaned back, letting his cheek rest on Derio's head a little, his dreads rough and thick with the scent of wolf and citrus and woodsmoke.   Faith watched them, a considering look on her face.

"Wes said something...  You guys are - really close, huh?"

"Pack," Derio said, and Xander could feel the wolf surge in him a little.

"Pack?  Oh, yeah - you're a wolf, too...  But - Spike's not.  He's not -"

"He's pack," Derio said, and he turned and got his coffee and stalked out, his eyes flaring black.  Xander grinned a little, moving over to the table to get sugar.  Pack pack...don't like her! in the link as Derio went back upstairs.

"Freaky shit, Xander.  Why'd you want to link up with a vamp and a werewolf?  I thought girls did it for you.  Humans, at least."

"You count yourself in that class still?" Xander said softly, and Faith blanched.

"Yeah - more than that guy - a lot more than Spike.  Doesn't make much sense."

"Doesn't have to, Faith.  It is what it is.  I suggest you keep your opinions...to yourself."  Xander sugared his coffee and stirred it, angry jabs of the spoon.  He tossed the spoon in the sink and turned to glare at Faith.   "Last time you saw Spike he still had that fucking - thing - in his head.  He doesn't anymore, and he'd rack up his third Slayer in a heartbeat.  Don't push it."   When Faith's eyes widened Xander knew the hyena had flared to the surface and he grinned at her - threat display and warning and promise - and brushed past, going back upstairs.

Spike was still asleep - uneasy and fretful, but not aware - and Xander had chanced leaving him with Oz for a few minutes.  He'd been hungry, but now he wasn't, and he pushed his sweats off and climbed back into the bed.  They'd bought two dozen of those tall, self-inflating air-mattresses and until last night, Oz and Derio had shared one in the corner, and Xander and Spike another near the door.  Last night they'd all curled up together in the corner bed, dragging all the blankets and pillows over and they'd stayed in a warm knot all night, Spike in the middle.  Now Xander leaned on one elbow and sipped his coffee - watched Oz take a sip of Derio's and then lay back down, his hand on Spike's shoulder.  Their radio was on, playing softly, and Xander tried to relax and let the tension ease out of him - tried to put away the fear from the night before, and all his dread and worry about the future.  The link was edgy; the wolves and the hyena still in 'fight/flight' mode, but it was family and love and warm more than anything, and Xander felt calm stealing over him.  The rich voice of the woman on the radio, singing about love, lulled him into a half-asleep state, and he drifted there, the cup in his hand tilting and tilting.

"We lived our little drama...we kissed in a field of white...
And stars fell on Alabama last night...
I can't forget the glamour...your eyes held a tender light...
And stars fell on Alabama last night...

Xander jerked, startled, as Derio eased the coffee cup out of his hand and leaned off the edge of the bed, setting it on the floor.

"Thanks, Derio..." he murmured, and snuggled back down, wrapping himself around Spike who burrowed back into him, sighing.  They'd stayed up until nearly dawn, making sure every recognizable bit of the Bringers were burned to ash, Oz even raking through the coals to make sure.  At some point Tara had come outside and tossed a handful of herbs on the fire - to keep restless spirits from rising, she'd said - and she'd stayed to talk to Spike about what happened when he forgot, clarifying things in her mind.

"I think that the spell that Wu-Willow used to get my...sanity back from G-glory will work on you, Spike.  With a little ch-change.  We d-don't have Glory to tap so we'll ha-have to get your right memories from Xander."

Spike had protested, but Tara had calmed him, explaining.  Telling him that they wouldn't be stripping the memories away from Xander, but making a copy to fill the holes that Glory had left and that the First seemed to be able to fill with its own manufactured memories.  Spike had been unhappy - still shaken and keyed up - but he trusted Tara - they all did.  She'd gone to find Giles and Ethan and talk about it with them, and as far as Xander knew they were still at it.  He'd heard muted conversation from the big room they'd made into a make-shift library as he'd come upstairs.   They'll figure it out...they'll find a way...  Spike, love you...   Oz was singing softly with the radio and Derio joined him, their voices blending neatly.

"I never planned in my imagination...a situation so heavenly...
A fairy land where no one else could enter...and in the center, just you and me, dear..."

Angel had come outside at one point, as well - wandered into the garden and stood there, watching the fire.  Or rather, pretending to.  Actually, he was watching Spike and Xander, Oz and Derio - watching and wondering because eventually he came over and crouched down, suffering in silence the automatic growl that Derio couldn't repress and the sneer that curled Spike's lip.

"What do you want, Angel?"  Xander asked, never once letting his hand stop its slow stroking of Spike's shoulder and arm and chest.

"I - down on the docks..."  Angel ducked his head and scrubbed at his eyes - looked off to one side for a moment and Xander saw, in the reflected light of the fire, the human face of a young man made immortal... made to bear the burden of guilt for a century or more...made to kill his maker.  There were small lines at the corners of his eyes, and a bone-deep exhaustion that made the dark eyes stark and hollow.  Something of Xander's pity got through to Spike, who shook his head slowly and heaved a sigh.

"What about the docks, Angel?  You havin' guilt now, for tasting the blood?   For lettin' me get off scot-free?"  Angel had frowned and then sighed himself - shook his head.

"No.  For once...I don't feel guilty about anything.  You're right, Spike.  I think...maybe you are stronger."  Shocked silence from Spike - shock all through the link and Xander hugged him close.  Spike recovered fast, though.

"Course I'm right.  Nothing good ever came from denying what you ARE, Angel."  Spike's voice was soft, and it took on a faintly mocking tone that even without the link Xander could tell was a tease.  "Look at all the trouble you caused, denying your own all these years."  A brief glance at Spike from under his brows and Angel looked away again, but his mouth was curled up a bit at the corner - just a bit.

"If you'd said...  If you'd told us, mate...  Dru'd have you no matter what, you know that.  She's crazy for you even when you try to burn her up.  We'd have figured something out."

"You'd have hated me, just like -"

"What, like Darla?  Bitch was always a bit too high and mighty for my tastes.  And you forget I've GOT a soul, Angel - didn't know about it, but...  It's made things different.  It would have made - everything different, if you'd have just...trusted us."  Spike fell silent, and Angel stared off into the darkness for a long, long moment.  The link - was calm.  At peace even, and Xander could feel some long-held tension relaxing, deep in Spike.  Something denied finally breathing free.

"We weren't always like this, Angel.  Family - is in the blood.  Can't deny it - it just hurts.  Leave go, why don't you?"  Spike's voice was so very soft, and Angel stood abruptly - paced to the edge of the cistern and stood there.  They pretended not to see him wipe his eyes and Angel pretended he hadn't done it.  After a moment he turned around and leaned on the edge and something seemed to have loosened in HIM, as well.

"Family...  I finally have one again and - and it might -"   He cut himself off, his mouth a thin, tight line of pain and Oz stirred, family pack faintly in the link.

"Is something wrong with Connor, Angel?" he asked, and Angel laughed softly.

"No, nothing's wrong with Connor.  Connor is...amazing.  He's so amazing...  No, it's - Cordelia."

"What's wrong with Cordelia?" Xander asked, and Angel told them.  Visions, the Powers - her pain.  And how it was getting worse.  And the CAT-scan that showed bleeding - that showed damage that couldn't be repaired - that couldn't be stopped.  

"I can't - lose her...Connor can't," Angel whispered, his back to them again, his hands tight on the edge of the cistern.  Wes was working on it - they were all doing what they could - but there was nothing.

"Talk to Giles, Angel - talk to Ethan and Tara, they can -"

"No."  Angel straightened abruptly from his slump, turning around.  He smoothed his hands down the front of his jacket and put his shoulders back.  Steeling himself, it seemed.  "No, I'm not - there's too much going on here.  The First - needs to be dealt with before anything else.  And Wes is smart.  He'll come up with something."  Angel slumped again - looked at the sky.  "I need to get back.  I need to - I'll tell Cordy you were thinking of her, Xander.   She...still thinks of you sometimes.  You were her first real love, you know?"            

Can't believe he said that, Xander thought drowsily, and there was quiet laughter from Oz.

Maybe being a dad makes you less...selfish, Oz thought.

Maybe...   Angel had left after that - had crouched down one last time and reached hesitantly to touch Spike's cheek.  "Take care of your family," and Spike had pushed into his touch for one moment and then nodded, and Angel had gone.   And they'd sat for another hour or so, just thinking - drifting - remembering.  

"My heart beat like a hammer...my arms wound around you tight...
And stars fell on Alabama last night..."

Three days and Tara and Giles and Ethan were still tweaking the spell.   And Xander wanted to put his fist through the wall because Spike was worse - was worse every day.   The Potentials didn't help - their combined noise and peculiar energy signal had set Spike off more than once, and Xander would find himself dragging Spike off of them, just barely keeping the vampire from snapping necks.  Or having to hunt for him, when the link suddenly went strange and static-laden and Spike would find a corner - a bolt hole - and just hunker down, trying to out-talk or out-scream the voices that battered at him - the memories that threatened his equilibrium and confused him into frenzy - or catatonia.  
Today was bad, and it was barely past five in the afternoon.    Spike was in the front room, curtains drawn and a fire burning in the hearth.  He'd tried to burn his journals but Xander had stopped him - sent them off with Oz to a hiding place because he was sure Spike would want them when all this was done.  

At the moment he had two spiral notebooks he'd taken from Dawn, and he'd torn out most of the paper - torn the pages into smaller pieces and was writing on them.  Writing his memories but they kept changing - from minute to minute, even - and he was getting frantic.  Every time a memory changed, Spike would write it down again, and he was surrounded by a patchwork of torn, smeared paper.  Muttering under his breath, his right hand knotted in his hair, his left clutching a pen.  Xander was watching him, sitting on the hearth, casually between Spike and the fire, but his heart was pounding.  Spike's hand twisted in his hair and he scribbled something, then he looked up at Xander, his expression bewildered.

"It's no good, you know - if you keep changing it I'll never get done.  Never get done..."  He looked back down at the papers - scrabbled in a drift of them and pulled out a crumpled piece, lips moving as he read over it.  Xander realized he hadn't actually been looking at him - he'd been looking behind him - beyond him - at some ghost.

Spike?  Spike, I'm right here, love -   Xander thought, and Spike flinched.  His whole body arched away from Xander and his hand clenched down over his ear, fingertips digging into his scalp, his eyes wide and fearful.

"Get out of my head, get out of my head, get out of my HEAD!"  He screamed the last, launching himself at Xander, knocking him back into the stones of the hearth.   "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"  Spike's hands dug into Xander's shoulders, and his knee was pressed into Xander's hip - into his thigh, holding him down.  "Fucking chip in my head, cracked me open like a fucking egg, put your needles and your fire and your fingers in me, in me - did you think I wouldn't remember -!"  Spike shook him, hard, and Xander scrabbled at him, trying to push him back, the heat of the fire painful all along his right side, the rough stones tearing his back.  

Oz!  Help me -   "Spike - it's okay, it's okay, there's nothing in your head, Jack fixed it, remember?  Jack fixed it -"   Pounding footsteps and then Oz was crouching down a few feet away, panting.

"Spike?  Hey, man - you wanna let him up?"

"What do you want?" Spike let Xander go, but he hadn't, it seemed, heard Oz - he was backing into a corner, his fists over his ears, hunching in on himself with every step until his back hit a wall and he slid down it.

"No, nonono.  I didn't kill her, she isn't dead, and he's not dead - they're not -"

"Spike!  Spike, please - "   Xander pushed himself to his feet, holding his hands out to Spike, willing him to come back.   Out of the corner of his eye Xander could see Potentials gathering like fuckin' vultures! and he was desperate to wake Spike up - get him up and out of there, back to their room.

"It doesn't matter, doesn't matter - family, family's here, you're not family, I know you -"   Spike leaped upright, snarling, and then he saw the Potentials and checked, staring.  Looked sideways at Xander, holding very, very still.

Xander.  What are we doing here?  Angelus is here.  This was stupid, we need to GO.  He'll hurt you love, he will, he will -   Spike sidled towards Xander, and Xander held his hand out.  Spike took it - squeezed it hard enough to hurt.

"It's all gone to bits and bobs, love - it's all - so much chaff."  He gestured at the papers scattered on the floor; turned to Xander with a look of utter desperation.  "Help me find it, please love?  Help me?" he begged.  Xander felt fury and desperation boiling off of Oz - felt it rising in his own body, enough to make him breathless for a moment.

Calm, calm - have to be calm -   Oz didn't look calm, and Xander nodded helplessly - wished the Potentials would go away.  

"Of course I'll help, love - what are you trying to find?  Tell me and I'll help."

"When we danced, Xander, when we - you saw me - you wanted me...."  Spike crouched down, sifting through the papers, his eyes streaming tears now, but he didn't seem to notice them.  "I remember...I see it...  I want the words back, Xan, I want - want the song back...  She said it didn't happen but I'm sure I didn't make it up...  You're alive, aren't you?  Aren't you alive?"  

"Course I am - Spike - look at me."  Xander put his fingers gently under Spike's chin - turned his head until he was looking straight at him.  "I'm alive, love - I'm here no matter what.  Oz is here, too."  Spike's eyes flicked, glancing at Oz, then back to Xander.

"It's all here, it's all here, I just have to find it -"  Spike scrabbled desperately through the bits of paper and Xander started to help him - just picking pieces up randomly and looking at them, because he had no idea if Spike had written anything down about that night.  

Oz - god - what are we gonna do, it's worse, it's so much worse -

Gonna be okay - we'll FIX it, Xander, we will...love you...love you.   Oz was pushing more of the papers towards Spike, his hands shaking.  The sound of an engine outside and the slam of a door and Derio was standing in the doorway, dumping a box of mail to the floor and crossing the room in long, rapid strides.

What happened - protect protect -  

It's all right, it's - it's the same, Xander thought, and Derio slumped onto the hearth, watching Spike - pushing love family love love with every breath and Spike glanced up at him and smiled.

"Gonna pay the piper, yeah?  You can pipe them back to hell, don't you think wolfling?"

"Who, Spike? Pipe...who?"  Derio sometimes played a little pennywhistle, and he'd been teaching Dawn some simple tunes.

"All those - girls.  All those - bitches."  Spike's voice dropped to a hiss and he moved, faster than any of them could react.  Had Xander off his feet, in a choke-hold.  His back against the wall and Xander could feel him - feel the change in the link and felt the ridges of the demon's face against his cheek.

"You think I didn't see them?  Waiting?  Not going to touch me, not going to touch what's mine.  You should be mine, love, should be mine -"   Spike nuzzled into Xander's neck - bit down on the claim-scar, drawing tiny beads of blood.

"I am yours, Spike - yours already.  Can't you feel it?  Can't you -"   I'm here, love!  I'm here - inside you.  All yours.

"No."  Spike snarled, and his arms tightened around Xander, cutting off his breath for a moment.  "Just another fuckin' trick - only one way to make you mine for sure, love.  Won't hurt, promise it won't hurt..."

"Spike - please -"   Xander couldn't move - couldn't breathe.  He didn't know what to do.  Spike could bite him - could drain him.  Spike could - would - and he...didn't care.  Didn't care.  But he was very, very sure that Spike would regret it - would hate it.  If only because he wasn't asking, he was taking.  Spike - Spike, please -   But the link is a void now, only Oz's and Derio's fear and helplessness.

Spike's fangs were in his throat - Oz and Derio were launching themselves, changing before his eyes and Xander felt the silver-needle penetration and then - Spike was screaming, he was holding his head in both hands and Xander was dropping with him to the floor, grabbing him tight and Oz piled on - Derio did - trying to sooth Spike as he writhed, agony in the link like nothing they'd ever felt.

"Spike - what -tell me what's happening!  Shhhhh, shhhhh....it's all right, please, please -"

"Xan - Xander -"   Don't let me, don't let me hurt you, please - chains, drugs, something, I can't STOP it, Xander - wolfling, please -   Spike was crying - clinging to them - and the Potentials were everywhere and Giles and Tara were rushing in, and Buffy and then Faith and oh god, too many people, too many.

Derio, where's that bag, where's that junk Angel left -  The duffle of money had just the day before paid for new tires on Anya's car - she was the official 'chauffer' for the mansion -  and another half-dozen air mattresses - and it was tucked safely away into a hidey-hole Spike had used when he'd lived there before.  The drugs - were elsewhere - but Derio knew where and he trotted out of the room - brought them in while the crowd of girls milled and asked too many questions and the link was overwhelmed with the misery and terror that had swamped Spike.

Derio put the duffle down - opened it and looked helplessly at the jumble of plastic and tape-wrapped bundles inside.

"I don't - know what to do with it," he said, and Xander could only shake his head. Oz looked worried, thoughtful, but it was Ethan who pushed forward, frowning, a small surge of his signature chaos washing over them.

"So the plan, I take it, is to dope him unconscious?"

"It's all I can think of," Xander mumbled, and Spike burrowed into his chest - clutched at Oz and Derio, desperate to have them close.

"I can - help you," Ethan said after a moment, worrying his lip between his teeth.

"Please -" Xander said.

It didn't take long.  A lighter and a spoon and a hypodermic from a bee-sting kit, and Xander watched, narrow-eyed, as Ethan tapped the syringe gently, getting a bubble to move to the top.  

"Will this do it, Spike?" he asked, holding the thing up and Spike eyed the three inches of fluid in the hypo.

"Yeah," he rasped, his voice gone.  "That'll knock me out for - ten or more hours.  Do it, yeah?"

Love you....  Are you sure?  Spike -

Have to. I almost...   Xander, it would KILL Oz and Derio if I tried to turn them.  The wolf and the demon can't live in the same body.  We HAVE to.  Just until - until Glinda finds the cure.

Love you, love you!

Family, love you, pack, pack, pack...   Derio was crying, silent tears tracking his cheeks, and Oz held him close.  Both of them had a death-grip on Spike - hand and wrist, tangling with Xander and as close as they could get to him.

Love you both...family, my family, Xan...   Ethan was carefully scouting for vein and Spike snarled, vamping.

"Put it in my fuckin' neck, mage.  Best place for it."  Ethan winced but he did it - slid the little needle in and depressed the plunger and it was only minutes - less than five - and Spike was slumping in Xander's arms.  The sudden and incredible burst of pleasure through the link faded to nothing as he slipped into unconsciousness.   Xander held him close - buried his face in Spike's shoulder for a moment, crying silently.  He looked up at the sea of faces; at Ethan methodically cleaning the hypo and putting it all away - at the Potentials staring and Buffy looking so, so somber, and Dawn crying into Sinclair's fur.  Tara was the only one to move - to push forward and join them, her cool energy washing over them, more and more tangible every day.

"Xander - it's going to be o-okay.  We figured it out.   The ss-spell.  We can fix it."

They decided to do the spell as soon as Spike was awake, which would be around three or four in the morning.  Xander wasn't sure about it - he couldn't imagine that the lingering traces of drug in Spike's system would help the spell work better - but Giles reassured him again and again that vampiric metabolism being what it was, once Spike actually woke up, he'd be back to normal in no time.   The vampire lay unmoving and Xander lay with him, craving the physical contact.  The drug seemed to flatten Spike out in the link, so that all that was left was a strange sort of remote humming.  There were bursts of emotion from time to time, as if Spike was dreaming, and occasional images as well, but they were scattershot and dim.  It took all of Xander's concentration to catch those stray images, and he was pretty sure Oz and Derio didn't catch them at all.  He was glad, though - they weren't all...nice.

Sometime around nine o'clock Xander had been persuaded to take a break, and he wandered downstairs looking for something to drink.  Everyone, it seemed, was in the main room having sandwiches and soup, talking quietly.  Anya was there, and Drake, and when Xander got to the foot of the stairs Dawn squealed, bouncing to her feet and jogging over to him.  Sinclair complained loudly from her arms and Dawn let the Siamese down to the floor.  He stalked off, looking offended.

"Xander!  Is Spike okay? Is he still - asleep?"

"Yeah.  He's fine, Dawn.  He'll be fine."

"Yeah..."   Brother love love family in the link from her, and Xander put his arm around her and hugged her.  "Hey!  Anya has some news!"  Dawn was bouncing again, trusting that he was right, and Xander dredged up a smile for the newly-blonde ex-demon who was cuddled up on the couch with Drake, Potentials on the floor all around her like a Queen and her court.

"News, huh?  What's the news, Anya?  Something good, I hope."

"Well, we certainly think so.  And of course, it's the sort of news that requires a party!  With presents!"

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yes."  Anya smiled at Drake, who smiled back and curled his hand around hers on his thigh.  "I'm going to reproduce, Xander!"  At Xander's blank look, Anya frowned a little.  "Spawn?  Breed?  Uh - replicate?"

"We're having a baby," Drake said, rolling his eyes, and Xander blinked.

"You - are?  Wow!  Uh - congratulations!"    Jesus!  A baby! he thought, and heard a mental chuckle from Oz.  

Been known to happen, to married people.

But - so soon!  I mean - Jesus!

All of Drake's family must have inspired her, Derio thought, and Xander had to agree.  Anya had been impressed with Drake's enormous family - with great-grand this and that living side by side with second and third generation nieces, cousins, grandchildren.  She'd said how wonderful it must be, to have so many people to count on.  

Pack, Oz added, and Xander nodded to himself.  

"You don't seem very excited for us," Anya said, pouting a little, and Xander had to smile.  He stepped over some Potentials and a begging Miss Kitty and bent down to give Anya a kiss on the cheek.

"Course I'm excited, Anya!  I was just - a little surprised.  I didn't know you were gonna have kids so soon."

"The sooner the better, Xander.  I'm a healthy woman but my biological clock is in an irrevocable countdown to old age, sterility, and brittle bones!  No time to waste!  Besides -"   Anya looked over at Drake and smiled, her love for him so plain on her face - so achingly there.   "Drake is very good with children and we'll be traveling for years, showing it off to the family."  

"Oh, that's so romantic -" one of the Potentials sighed, and immediately a chorus of voices joined in, talking about babies, plans - families.  Xander squeezed Drake's shoulder, smiling at him, and made his way into the kitchen.  Soup in a big pot on the stove, sandwich things on the counter and he assembled a hasty meal and sat down to eat it.  Sinclair came in and jumped up on the windowsill nearby, watching him.  He could hear Giles, Ethan and Tara somewhere close, talking.

Gonna be okay, gonna be okay, he thought, desperate for it to be over.  He almost wished he was on patrol with Faith and Buffy - anything to break the tension.  But he couldn't have left the house - left Spike - if he'd tried.  He ate, and went back upstairs, and waited.

"The spell really packed a p-punch when Willow used it," Tara said, so they'd dragged all the exercise mats from the Magic Box into the center of the 'library' room and laid Spike down on them - arranged themselves next to him.  Tara had to be able to touch them both, so she was sitting cross-legged by Spike's shoulders and Xander was next to her.  He held Spike's hand tightly in his, waiting.  The vampire wasn't fully awake yet; he was talking to himself in a slurred mumble, twitching uncomfortably.  Giles and Ethan were finishing drawing a circle around them in colored chalk on the stone floor - a circle to keep everything Tara was doing in, and anything else out.  Buffy and Faith and Dawn were sitting at the edge of the room, silent, and Oz and Derio were just on the other side of the circle.  Derio was fighting the tension - fighting the change - and Oz was trying to calm him down, the wolf-mantra a low hum in the link.

"Now, when he's awake we'll say the word, and the circle will be closed.   Then Tara, you may begin."  Giles stood up slowly, his hand pressed to the small of his back, and Ethan stepped up close to him, his slim hand going out to rub slowly over the sore muscles.  Giles blinked and sighed in pleasure.  

Spike moved on the mats - twisted this way and that and suddenly his eyes snapped open and he was staring straight at Xander.  Demon's eyes, and nothing in them Xander could recognize.

"Spike?  Hey - you awake?  Gonna do something here -"   Xander squeezed his hand and Spike pushed himself upright, grimacing.  The link was confusion, chaotic and unfocused.

"Carpenter..." Spike mumbled, staring narrow-eyed at him and Xander felt himself go cold.  "Carpenter on your cross - you always gonna martyr yourself for those that don't give a fuck, carpenter?  Die for the world and they won't even remember your name..."  Spike pulled his hand free of Xander's - looked around and then winced, clutching his head.

"Fuck...fuck -"   Xan?  What are we doing?  What -why is everybody here?   Xander shivered, hating the shifts of perception and emotion that were dredging up all his old insecurities.  That were making him think and re-think his reasons for being there, because nothing they did seemed to have any effect at all on the First - but It was taking them to pieces.

Spell, love - remember?  Spell to fix the forgetting.  Tara's going to do it.   Spike looked at Tara - reached out and touched her cheek.

"You're not dead then, love?  Dreamed you were dead..."  

Tara smiled softly at him.  "No, I'm not dead, Spike.  Are you ready?"  Spike had smiled back; now the smile faded and he looked around, bewildered.   His gaze settled on Xander and he reached out and took his hand again, squeezing hard.

"Is it - it won't hurt him, will it? I don't want to hurt him..."

"No - it won't hurt."  Tara nodded to Ethan, and he and Giles both bent and touched a small stone that finished the circle.

"Totus", they breathed, and a sudden, shivery veil seemed to come up between them and the rest of the room.  Xander flinched a little; the magic was strong and felt like dust in his nose - sand in his hair - poison ivy.

That's fuckin' horrible.  Xan - love...so sorry-

DON'T, Spike.  None of this is your fault.  NONE of it.  Hear me?  Love you - LOVE you, vampire-mine.

Love you too...my own, my always...   Xander's hand was almost crushed in the grip Spike had on it, but he didn't care.  Tara was taking a long, slow breath.  She put the fingertips of her left hand on Spike's temple, and her right on Xander's, and smiled at them.  Then she closed her eyes.  

"Repleo," on a sigh.  And then Xander thought - "Tara was wrong", because it did hurt.

"Xander?  Love - wake up for me.  Xan, c'mon - c'mon, pet, wake up..."  Soft voice, soft hand on his cheek patting gently and Xander forced his eyes open.  They felt gritty and swollen, and the light was too bright.  He blinked and squinted, groaning a little, and felt a cool hand touch his forehead.  

"Spike?"  Ow, damn.

"Throat hurt?  Here, love -"   Something pressing against his lips, cool and smooth and liquid and he opened his mouth and drank.  

Oooh...   Spice and iron and tingling, bubbling magic, and Xander closed his eyes and drank Spike's blood, feeling it go through him like wildfire.   Oh - Spike - you all right?  Did it work?  What happened?   Spike's other hand stroked his hair and Xander gradually realized he was lying on his back, his head in Spike's lap.  He opened his eyes and Spike lifted his wrist away from Xander's mouth - licked the bit of blood that was still there, smiling.

"It worked, love.  Worked a treat."  Spike's eyes were so very blue - so vividly alive and full of love and happiness that Xander couldn't help himself - he reached up and pulled Spike down and kissed him, lingering over the taste of Spike's blood, and the taste of Spike; cream and cloves, as addictive as ever - as wonderful.  A gentle clearing of a throat finally made him stop and Xander let Spike ease him upright, grinning sheepishly at Giles who was looking the other way and at Ethan, who wasn't.  He leaned there, Spike's arms around him, feeling the rising flush of the blood going through him. In another minute or so he'd want to jump up - go out patrolling or -

Or?  I can think of better things to do with all that energy, pet.  Lay you down and make you scream for it...   Xander shivered happily, turning his head to nuzzle Spike's cheek.  He saw Oz and Derio a few feet away and Tara leaning between them.  She looked -

Is Tara all right?  Is she hurt?

Fine, she's fine, love, Spike thought, hugging him close.

Xander!  Love you, love you -   Oz, smiling over at him and holding Tara up, and Derio grinning, almost laughing.

Love you too!  Familia, mi familia...

"Oh!"  Tara looked dazedly over at them, her expression delighted and amazed.  "I didn't know - that's what it's like..."   She seemed to realize something then and blushed a brilliant scarlet and Spike laughed, the vibrations rippling through Xander.  The link - felt so good.  It felt alive - whole -full, and Xander laughed too.

What is she talking about?

She got the memories, too. I think - she'll forget in time.  But for right now, they're all there.

She did?  Oh...  OH!  Oh, god...  

Family, love - you'll live.

May never be able to look her in the face again, Xander thought, and he twisted so he could get Spike tight into his arms and just hold on, face in Spike's neck, chest to chest, hugging as hard as he could and feeling Spike hugging him back, kissing his hair and neck and cheek, laughing again in sheer delight.  And it just felt so good.



______________________

Stars Fell on Alabama - Billie Holiday
Totus - Complete
Repleo - Replenish