Magic Moments

by
Sukiblue

Part Six

Xander sat, quietly hyperventilating, in the passenger seat of Spike’s car. It was the most helpful thing he could think of to do. And, considering the circumstances, he hoped that Spike would damn well appreciate it.

Spike stared out of the windscreen and gripped the steering wheel until he heard it creak under the strain. Differing emotions slithered through his body and mind like a snake on a very important mission and one recurring thought snagged around a rib and would not let go. He felt sorry for Xander.

Spike turned towards the father of his unborn child and placed what he hoped was a comforting hand on his leg. “Hey, don’t worry. Calm down, yeah?”

“Calm…down? How…can… I…calm down?!” Xander asked between panicked, shuddering breaths.

“I know it’s hard, pet. I’m freaking out too, but us getting in a tizz about it isn’t going to help. We both need to sort ourselves out and think clearly.”

“It isn’t like I can help freaking out! This is all happening so fast! First you tell me that I’m pregnant, next thing my stomach looks like it’s been blown up with a bicycle pump! It’s a lot to take in, you know!”

“It’s a shock to me too!” Spike all but yelled, his grip on non-hysteria rapidly leaving the planet. “But we’ve got to stick together, me and you. We’re both in this, remember? That’s my kid you’re carrying!”

“Oh my god, please don’t say that.”

“What?”

“Kid, baby, person, mini-me, please don’t say it. I can’t think of it like that. It’s just a spell, an evil spell that we’re going to fix. You’re gonna help me get rid of this thing, right?”

Spike hesitated.

“Spike? Right?”

“Yeah, yeah, 'course. We’ll…fix it.”

“Good. Yeah, okay. Yeah, good. Yeah. I feel better. We’ll fix it then go back home. I’ll even fix the shower for you.”

Spike huffed. “For the last bloody time, I did not break the bloody shower!”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Right.”

“Spike?”

“What?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine…you?”

“I’m good.”

“Really?” Spike asked, hopefully.

“No.”

“Oh.”

“It’s cool, though,” Xander said, quickly. “I can deal. That’s the main thing.”

“Right. Good. Me too.”

“Good. So we’re dealing. Good.”

“Right.”

“Erm, just how are we dealing? I mean, how are we going to fix this? Just asking. Not freaking.”

“Watcher.”

“Oh, gods, that will involve having to tell him.”

“Actually…”

“I’m so glad you told me first, Spike. This is so embarrassing. What’s Giles going to say?”

“Erm, well, I…”

“Would you tell him? I know that you’re just about the least tactful person I know, but I just don’t think I can get the words out. I can barely admit this to myself. So, will you do it? I know I’m asking a lot.”

“Err, yeah, sure. Why not?”

“Thanks.”

“No problem. You know what?”

“What?”

“I bet Giles won’t bat an eyelid. This is the Hellmouth and Sunnydale is state-renowned for attracting all sorts of trouble. I bet you that he won’t be in the slightest bit surprised.”

“This won’t shock him? You really think?”

“I know.”

“Hmm. Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m hungry.”

“Craving?”

“Definitely.”

“For?”

“Sloppy Joes and custard.”

Spike wrinkled his nose. “I see. Lovely. We’ll stop, yeah?”

“Really? Thanks.”

“S’okay. Got a craving, myself.”

“You have?”

“I have.”

“What for?”

“A large bottle of vodka and as many cigarettes as I can realistically fit into my gob at once.”

Part Seven

“Err, see anything you want?”

“Apart from everything?”

“Hungry, eh?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe. This is like a whole new level of hunger. And if any of this food so much as tries to run, I’m gonna hunt it down and tackle it to the floor.”

“Don’t think any of it is going to run, pet,” Spike observed, looking at the counter full of pastries. “Except maybe this,” he added, holding up a strange, floppy sausage thing. “What the hell is it?”

“I have no idea, but it looks damn good. I’d advise that you drop it before my hunger gets the better of me and I take your wrist off at the elbow.”

Spike quickly dropped the object of Xander’s current fantasy and stared around at his surroundings. “Booze.”

“Twinkies.”

They both nodded and headed off in separate directions.

**

Spike looked at the small display of bottles. There wasn’t much choice. Not that he was particularly fussy at the best of times. Alcohol was alcohol, after all. It all tasted the same coming back up.

In the end, after a full five seconds of careful thought, Spike chose the bottle that was nearest and wandered back to find Xander.

“Pet? What are you doing in the raw meat section? Please tell me you’re craving a cooked steak?”

“I’ll give you a stake in a minute! Fresh meat! The baby…it wants fresh, raw meat! Can you believe that?!”

“Erm…”

“What next? Am I going to start craving blood?”

“I don’t…”

“Oooooh, blood. That does sound…” Xander gave his head a hefty shake. “No! I. Do. Not. Want. Blood. I want…want sloppy Joes and custard. No! I want twinkies smothered with jelly, sultanas, raw meat and blood. NO! OHMYGOD, SPIKE, HELP ME!”

“Alright, luv, alright. Don’t get all upset, yeah? We’ll just get a bit of everything except blood. Don’t think about the blood. Think of the blood as nasty. Urgh, yucky blood. Euw and all that rot. See? You don’t want blood. Better?”

“You know what would be better?”

“What?”

“IF YOU STOPPED SAYING BLOOD!”

“Right. Got it. I won’t say blood.”

Spike clutched at his eye and wondered where the loaf of French bread had come from.

“Right. Pet? I’m gonna let that slide on the basis that you’re hormonal…”

“I’m not hormonal. I’m hungry!”

“Right, right, okay, luv. Calm down, yeah? Put down the loaf. That’s it, nice and slow. And kick it towards me. Thank you.”

Spike confiscated the French loaf and took in the appearance of his friend.

Xander was sulking. His arms were crossed. A deep frown dominated his face and his lips were contorted into a strange cartoon pout.

Spike pondered. Xander really was a dead ringer for Grumpy Dwarf…except that he wasn’t short…and he didn’t have a beard…and he wasn’t wearing a silly hat. But apart from that, the likeness was uncanny.

Spike took pity.

“Look, go wait in the car, pet. You look tired. Let me get everything…”

“Chocolate?”

“I’ll get everything and enough chocolate to keep you going for a week. You just go have a sit down, yeah?”

“Okay,” Xander replied, suspiciously. The suspicious vampire was indeed being particularly suspicious. “What are you up to?”

“Nothin’! Why do I have to be up to something?!”

“Because you’re suddenly being nice.”

“What’s wrong with that?!”

“It’s suspicious.”

“I see. Right. Okay. I guess I can’t really argue with that.”

“See? You never agree with me. Damn suspicious.”

“Oh, bloody…”

Xander glared. “You said blood again.”

“Sorry. I meant, fucking hell…”

“That’s better.”

“Christ almighty. What can I do to convince you that I’m just trying to be nice? What’s gonna make you feel better?”

Xander thought about it. “Do something evil.”

“Evil. You want me to do something evil.”

“Yeah.”

“That would make you feel better?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, erm, let me think. Hang on, err…oh, I know! Stash this under your jacket on your way out,” Spike said, handing over the bottle of vodka.

“You want to steal it? You want me to steal it?!” Xander hissed.

Spike shrugged and smiled his most evil smile. “Yeah. I could steal it myself, but that wouldn’t be nearly as evil as making you do it, ‘specially considering your condition and wotnot.”

Xander frowned at the bottle for a few moments before he broke out into a grateful smile. “You got it.”

“Good. And don’t sodding drop it or I’ll make you steal another one.”

“Sure. Got it. No dropping. Spike?”

“What?”

“Thanks.”

Spike smiled warmly and watched Xander walk away. “You’re welcome, luv,” he whispered. He coughed and put his evil face back on. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just watch how you get in my car, you sodding lump. My suspension is shot to hell as it is!”

Part Eight

“Ah, Xander, Spike. Do come in.”

“We didn’t wake you?” Xander asked, noticing Giles’ relatively awake appearance.

“No, of course not.”

“Oh. I thought it might be a bit late.” Xander checked his watch. “Or early.”

“Well, late it certainly is, but I’ve been waiting. Spike…”

Spike coughed up a lung.

“…I mean, I’ve been waiting for…a…thing.”

“A thing?”

“Yes.”

“What thing?”

Giles pointed upwards. “A…star thing,” he said slowly, his brain unable to form anything even remotely close to a reasonable excuse.

“A star thing,” Xander repeated.

“Yes. A…shift in the constellations. It’s supposed to be happening tonight."

Xander frowned and planted himself on the couch. “Aren’t you going to ask why we’re here?” he asked Giles.

“Oh! Of course, yes, please tell me why you are here at such a late hour.”

Spike stood behind the couch and closed his eyes. As intelligent as the Watcher might be, he was a terrible actor. Most people with half a brain would have worked out that Giles was lying through his teeth. Spike was almost tempted to slap Xander for not catching on to it.

Xander turned around and flashed Spike a look that was way beyond pitiful. “Spike? You said you’d tell him.”

So Spike re-told the story and Giles had the good grace to act surprised, shocked, horrified and sympathetic in all the right places. But the true surprise came when Spike pointed at Xander and declared, “He's got fat.”

Giles leapt out of his chair like he’d been given an electric shock and proceeded to give Xander a thorough and, in Xander's opinion, unnecessary poking.

Finally, Xander decided that he’d had enough. “Quit it! Geez, I’m pregnant, I’m not suffering from please-poke-me disease. Need some personal space, here!”

“Yeah, back the fuck off, Watcher.”

“I just want to…”

“Shut your bloody gob. All that prodding gonna make him un-pregnant?”

“Err, no.”

“Right then. Leave him the fuck alone and do something that is actually going to help!”

“Well, I do have some books…”

“Go get them, then!”

“Yes, yes. Of course. I’ll be right back. Xander, is there anything I can get you?”

Xander opened his mouth to ask for something strawberry flavoured, but Spike cut him off before he got the chance to voice his request.

“He’s fine. He needs anything, I’ll get it for him.”

Giles nodded and retreated. Spike was beginning to get a wee bit growly and it was probably best to just do as he asked and not wind him up any further.

Spike paced about the room and tried to make sense of his own emotions. A protective streak a mile wide had just ripped through him and Spike wondered if the spell had affected his mind.

Xander’s gaze followed Spike around the room. That damn suspicious vamp was being all suspicious again. First an offer to get him whatever he wanted or needed and now there seemed to be a large amount of pacing and muttering going on.

“Well, do you?” Spike suddenly asked.

“Do I what?”

“Want anything. More chocolate, some fruit, crisps, kick up the backside, perhaps?”

Xander smiled, pleased at the semi-snark. He just wasn’t ready to deal with a completely considerate Spike. “That’s okay. I can get…”

“What? I’ll get it. What do you want?”

“No, really. I’ll…”

“No, no, let me…”

“No, I can manage…”

“No, I insist…”

“Spike!”

“What?!”

“You’re freaking me out again. Stop being so helpful. It’s really weird. And also? I’m…pregnant. I’m not sick. I’m not an invalid. I’m independent, Spike. I don’t need anyone to…I’m starting to sound like a woman, aren’t I?”

“You said it. Look, bloody hell, I’m not trying to imply that you’re completely incapable. Although you are, by the way.”

Xander glared.

Spike ignored him and continued. “I just want to help. Do my bit.”

“Your bit?”

“Yeah. Look, I know it’s gotta be hard. Christ, I would be going out of my mind right now if it were me. Crazy monkey in the banana tree. You? You’re handling it well. Really well. I’m seriously impressed, Harris. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I…admireyou. There, I bloody said it.”

Spike paced to other side of the room and continued.

“I said it and I’ll say it again. I. Admire. You. And I’m gonna help you, whether you like it or not. I don’t know if it’s the spell or just because I’m a sappy bastard, but I’m feeling some stuff here and there’s this part of me, a tiny little part, that almost wishes that we could keep the baby.”

Spike turned and paced back to where he’d started.

“Now, I know what you’re gonna say… Xan?” Spike glanced around the room and, in a moment of complete confusion, checked under the table. “Pet? Where’d you go?”

The sound of retching coming from the kitchen gave Spike a small clue. He poked his head around the door just to be sure.

Xander was bent over the kitchen sink, his hands gripping the edge of the counter hard enough to turn his knuckles white.

“My speech wasn’t that bad, was it?”

“Sick…feel…urgh.”

Xander threw up the contents of his stomach.

Spike stood well back. “Crikey! You alright?!”

“Do I look alright?!” Xander snapped, before he found some more half digested food to fill the sink with.

“Well, no.” Spike shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. He wanted to help, he really did. But one, he didn’t want to aggravate Xander further. And two, he was slightly concerned about splash-back. He called over his shoulder in a tone that was very much like a child wailing for its mother. “Giles! Xander’s being sick!”

A muffled reply floated down the stairs. It sounded something along the lines of, ‘not on my rug, I hope.’

Spike rolled his eyes and prepared to get his hands dirty. It was a stomach-churning job, but someone had to do it. He cautiously approached Xander, so as not to surprise him and cause a mouth-to-duster vomit incident, and gave him a few pats on the back.

Xander vomited up something round and brown. “Spike, I don’t doubt that you’re trying to assist. Again. And I really do appreciate it. But giving me a broken spine isn’t going to help.”

“Oh.” Spike stopped ‘patting.’

Xander vomited up something square and red.

Spike laughed nervously. “Good job we haven’t made those sloppy Joe wotsits.”

Xander vomited up something indescribable.

“Bleedin’ fuck! What the hell was…?”

“Spike?” Xander croaked.

“Yeah?”

Xander turned on the tap and splashed his face. “Could you do something for me?”

“’Course. Anything. Anything at all. Except, I ain’t cleaning that up.” Spike pointed to the vomit that trailed across the kitchen floor.

Xander stood up straight and shrugged. “Giles can do it. It’s his floor. Can you, um, go home and get something for me?”

Spike nodded. “What?”

“If you tell anyone about this, I’ll be forced to hurt you,” Xander warned.

“Ain’t gonna tell.”

Xander grimaced. Did he really want to ask Spike to do this for him? Did he really want to give Spike even more ammunition than he already had? Couldn’t he just cope without it?

No.

By all the gods, he was pregnant and in desperate need. The urge was just too great. The longing just too painful. What was happening to him? Where were all these emotions surging from? It didn’t matter. He had to have it.

“Could you go home and get my bear? It’s under my pillow.”

Spike simply nodded again and headed for the door. Xander wondered who’d vamp-napped Spike and replaced him with some kind of impostor. Where was the laughing and the humiliating? This was just too surreal.

Spike closed the front door and walked to the car. So, Harris wants his teddy bear, does he? What a pouf…

Now where the hell did I leave mine?

Part Nine

Spike stood outside the door to Giles’s apartment and examined the two teddy bears.

Xander’s was large with dark brown fur that stood up in all directions, huge button eyes that screamed ‘hug me,’ and weirdly large feet that were just right for tripping over or tripping others over. If you had to pick Xander’s bear out of a line up, and there was a strange thought, this was definitely the bear that you’d choose. It was so him, right down to the cute little heart shaped smile.

Spike inspected his own teddy bear. It was slightly smaller than Xander’s, with blond, curly hair and piercing blue eyes. If you looked at it closely enough you could just make out the trademark look that was a cross between a sneer, a leer and…something else.

Spike held up the two bears and made an observation. Although the teddies were complete polar opposites -- one large, one small, one dark, one light -- there was one thing about them that was identical. They were both as flat as a pancake. A sure sign that they were well hugged, well slept on and well loved.

Cute.

Spike shook his head and stashed his own bear in the inside pocket of his duster. He was being a ponce. With the world’s largest and most put upon sigh, he threw open the door and lobbed the brown bear in the general direction of Xander.

“There. Don’t say I don’t do nothin’ for you.”

“I won’t,” Xander grinned, clutching the precious bear to his chest.

“Ah, Spike. You’re back. I’ve done some research and…” Giles began, stopping to regard Xander’s teddy bear before carrying on. “…I’ve come up with a plan."

“Yeah?” Spike asked cautiously.

“Yes.”

“Well, what is it, then?”

“The plan is to call the others and have them come here.”

“I see.” Spike pondered. “So, in other words, you don’t actually have a bloody clue and you were hoping that someone else would?”

“I was hoping that you wouldn’t see it like that.”

Spike rolled his eyes and turned to Xander. “Useless bastard, eh? Your decision, mate. Do you want the others to know?”

Xander thought about it. It would mean they would know he was pregnant. They would have to be told that it was Spike’s baby.

No. Not baby. Parasite…

An overwhelming feeling of guilt slammed into him and Xander covered his ears as if to stop the terrible thoughts.

Maybe it wasn’t a parasite? It was a living creature, after all. A baby living creature.

Xander had a thought. Exactly what was living inside him? Was it even human? Shit, was it even a vampire? Maybe it was a bit of both. A little bit Xandery and a little bit Spikey.

Auuuwww

Xander had another thought. Boy, he was really on a roll tonight. What if the baby was a demon?

Oh my god! What’s if it’s a baby Skuki demon?!

Spike watched the not-so-subtle change of emotions running across Xander’s face and he shot forward to steady him when he saw terror take root.

“Pet? You alright? You look like you just sat on a knitting needle!”

Xander shook his head and started to shake. “I’m so far from alright, I’m in a completely different state to ‘alright’. ‘Alright’ was a town I passed yesterday. ‘Alright’ is not how I…”

“Okay, okay, don’t go on. I get it. What’s wrong?”

The incredulous stare burned right through Spike’s skull.

“I mean, apart from the obvious?” he corrected.

“Nothing,” Xander spat. “Apart from the obvious.”

“Liar.”

“What?!”

“Liar,” Spike said, a little bit slower and a little bit louder. "I know you better than you think, pet. What just scared you?”

Xander swallowed and clutched the bear tighter. “What if…? What if it isn’t human?”

Spike shrugged awkwardly. “Well, considering it’s partly my baby, it ain’t likely to be all human. Probably got a bit o’ vamp in there, too.”

“That wasn’t what I meant. What if it’s some kind of gross demon, like the Skuki? What if the Skuki lied? What if it put its own baby inside me? Spike, what if this isn’t your baby?”

Spike recoiled at the last question, the sting of it throbbing like a punch in the face. “Well…erm…I…”

“Hmm, Xander, I really wouldn’t worry about that,” Giles said, placing a supportive hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “A Skuki would be very unlikely to reproduce with a human. No, no, if the Skuki said that this is Spike’s baby, then we should just assume that is fact.”

“Good. Spike’s baby. Good.”

“Good?” Spike asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Good?” Giles asked, polishing his glasses with extra vigour.

“Yeah, good that it’s Spike’s baby.”

“…”

“…”

“As opposed to a big ugly blue thing with an inherently bad sense of humour,” Xander confirmed. “Of course, it also means that I’m going to give birth to a baby that cries with a British accent and has a total obsession with murder and leather.”

“Give birth?”

“Huh?”

“You said, give birth,” Spike repeated.

“I did? I did. I didn’t mean… Is anyone else horny?”

“Eh?!”

“Hungry! I meant, is anyone else hungry!”

Giles buried his face in his hands. “Good Lord. I think I’m getting one of my heads.”

Xander stood and clutched at his stomach. “I feel sick again.”

“So do I,” Giles remarked.

“Yeah, I feel a bit queasy, too,” Spike added.

Xander vomited.

“Oh, no, not on my Axminster! That’s it. I’m making the decision. I’m calling Willow and the others. This cannot go on.”

Xander nodded and wiped his mouth with a cushion. “’kay. But don’t tell them anything yet, not until they get here.”

“Very well. I’ll make the call.”

“Thanks…G-man,” Xander said, in between dry heaves.

“You are most welcome. Can I get you anything on my way? A bucket, perhaps?”

“No thanks. I think I’m done with the vomitus carpetus for now. Stomach all empty.”

“So glad to hear it,” Giles stated with a weary sigh.

Xander squeezed his bear tighter and watched as Giles trudged away. “Spike?” he asked as he looked back down at the squashed teddy.

“What?”

“Why am I holding onto this bear like a complete sissy? Polite answer, please.”

“Because everybody needs a hug?”

“…What did you just say?!?”

Spike mentally staked himself. What the fuck? “I said, it's better than looking at Giles’ ugly mug.”

“That’s true. I’m just feeling really weird, like I’m all over the place. Up and down, back and forth, nauseous and starving…Is this what it’s like to be a woman?”

Spike considered. “Yeah,” he said, finally. “But with more pink. And a few more mood swings.”

“Not sure about the pink. I’m more of an orange kind of guy. Mood swings, huh?”

“Yup. All women get them, pregnant or not.”

“I see. Would it surprise you to know that I feel one coming on right now?”

“Bleeding hell. Go on, then. Which way are you swinging?”

Part Ten

“Which way am I swinging? Um, that’s a tough question….well, it was, once. For a while I thought I swung both ways, but that was a long time ago. I actually worked it out quite recently.”

“Uh, Xan? What the buggery bollocks are you going on about?”

“I’m gay.”

“Excuse me?”

“Why, where are you going?”

“…Xander. Slow it down. Did you just say that you were gay?”

“Yeah. Why, were you expecting me to say that I was straight?”

“No. I mean, yes…I mean…Actually, I wasn’t really expecting either!”

“Really? So you thought I was bi?”

“No! None of the above. That wasn’t what I asked you.”

“Yes, it was.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Yes, it was.”

“No, it wasn’t.

“Yes…”

“Blinkin’ flip, Xander. I meant what mood swing were you having.”

“Oh! I see.” Xander stared up at the ceiling and had a quick think. “I’m feeling…talkative.”

“So I noticed.”

“How about you?”

“Me? I’m feeling…a little shocked.”

“No, I mean which way do you swing?”

And this is the moment that Giles chooses to enter the scene.

“I’d better get my migraine tablets,” he said, after a small pause and a shake of his head.

“Bleedin’ heck. Good timing, lame-brain,” Spike said, motioning for Xander to sit back down. “You,” he said, pointing at the mother of his child, “are not yourself. Now lie back and take some deep breaths and wotnot. Calm yourself, yeah?”

“I am calm! But…”

Spike sighed heavily and wondered with a small amount of fear what was coming next.

“…Spike, do you think someone could clean up my sick? It smells really bad and I don’t want to smell it when I start eating again, which will be soon, by the way. Did you get cheese? Of course you did. And the crackers? The wholemeal ones? I just love those. A bit healthier than I’m really comfortable with, but hey, sometimes you just have to go with the flow.”

“Erm, yeah, crackers,” Spike said, having blocked out most of the babble after the request for vomit clearance. This, on top of the revelation that Xander was gay and the whole mystical pregnancy, was actually starting to freak him out.

“Are you even listening to me?”

“…What? Yeah! ‘Course I’m listening. You said something about being crackers.”

“That wasn’t what I said! You weren’t listening!”

“I was trying.”

“Nobody ever listens to me. Like that time in Chem class. I told them I shouldn’t be trusted with flammable liquids, but did they listen? No, of course not. And that time that Buffy made me eat her pudding surprise? I told her I hated fish…”

“Alright, Xan. Don’t get upset. I’m sorry I wasn’t listening. I’m just a bit thrown by everything…oh, bloody hell, don’t start bawling!”

“I’m not! I-I have something in my eye. And…and I think I might be having one of those mood swing thingies.”

“So I noticed…”

“And I need to pee.”

“Right. Thanks for that. Go on, then. Go do your human stuff and I’ll…get Giles to clean this mess up.”

Xander nodded happily and heaved himself up from the couch. “’Kay. Human stuff.”

Spike watched Xander walked away. This was all just crazy. Where was it all going to end? So, Xander was pregnant. That in itself was seriously weird. But gay? Xander was gay?

This is even bigger than a nipper!

Hang on. No it isn’t.

Yes. It is.

No. It isn’t.

Come on! Of course it is! Xander Harris, the guy you lusted after all last year has just confessed to you that he swings your way.

I did not lust after him all year.

Yes. You did.

I did not!

Yes. You did.

No. If you must know, I thought he was fit. But I never actually wanted him.

Oh, puurlease!

Okay, okay, maybe I wanted him a bit. And it wasn’t all year.

Wasn’t it?

Okay, it was.

Jesus! Why am I arguing with myself? And over whether I fancy Xander Harris? Come on. You’ve got priorities, here! Baby? Imminent?

“Bloody hell. I’m losing my sodding mind.”

“Quite,” Giles remarked, walking back into the room with a handful of cleaning equipment. “And I don’t think you’re the only one. Is Xander quite alright? He was talking to himself as he went past.”

“Yeah, well. Hormones, mate. Sending him a bit barmy.”

“Yes, so I saw. Anything we can do?”

“Answers. Let’s just get answers before he stops thinking about food, his bladder and who swings what way, and maybe we can stop an all-out panic.”

“Absolutely. I’ve called the girls. They’ll be here shortly.”

“What did you tell them?”

“Nothing. I just said that I needed them here for urgent research. I mentioned nothing of you and Xander.”

“Good. Do me a favour?”

“And what would that be?”

“Don’t upset Xan. If we find out anything bad, like if he’s gonna drop a sprog with three heads, tell me first, yeah? Don’t just spring it on him.”

Giles couldn’t resist the pleading expression. Or was it an expression that promised immediate death? It was so hard to tell with Spike.

“Very well. I’ll pass that on to the girls.”

“You’d better. And hurry up and clear this bloody mess up. Xan’ll get all nauseous again if he comes back to this.”

“And, Spike, what will you be doing?”

Spike threw himself into a comfy chair. “I’ll be here, resting my weary feet, won’t I? Had a hard night.”

“Indeed. Couldn’t you at least put the kettle on?”

“Why do I have to do it?”

“Because I appear to be on vomit duty. Unless you want to trade?”

“No, no,” Spike said quickly, getting back up and making his way to the kitchen. “I’ll make the tea. You just carry on down there….And don’t forget the cushion.”

Giles mumbled and grumbled under his breath, scrubbing at the floor like a man gone mad.

“Hey, G-man, you know that’s not good for the carpet, right?”

Giles glared.

Xander shrugged.

Spike appeared with a tray of tea.

“Did you bring my crackers and cheese?” Xander asked.

“No.”

“Fine,” Xander said, with a bottom lip that wobbled slightly.

“Still got those mood swings, eh? Bloody hell. Hang on, I’ll get your sodding cheese and crackers.”

“Thanks. But don’t slice the cheese too thin, or I won’t be able to taste it. But not too thick either or I’ll get nightmares. And could you bring some orange juice, too? I’m extra thirsty. And…”

“And?” Spike asked impatiently.

“And…something feels…” Xander clutched at his stomach with hands that had begun to shake.

“Pet?”

“Shit. Something’s happening…something…Eeep!”

Spike rushed forward, dropping the tray of tea to the floor and steadying his friend before he could topple over backwards.

With an audible ‘pop,’ Xander’s belly doubled in size.

“Christ on a bike!”

“Oh my god!”

“Good Lord!”

“You got bigger!”

“I got bigger!”

“My carpet!”